Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

In the early days of the HIV epidemic a person’s physical appearance very closely mirrored the internal infection. Nowadays, the physical impacts of HIV are mostly internal, be they physical or emotional or some hybrid of the two. I may not think about my HIV every day but I definitely feel it every single day. Not a day goes by that I am not nauseated at some point, or that I lose my desire to eat or I am fatigued due to poor sleep. Or I often refrain from eating because of the nausea, then force myself eat, and then feel sick from eating. It is definitely not the most fun sort of roller coaster. Often my eating habits mirror those of someone with bulimia minus the forced vomiting. I feel as though I lose and gain the same 10-15 pounds over and over again. Incidentally, my perception of my body changes as often as I gain and lose those pounds. Intellectually I know it is silly to tie my sense of self-worth to my body, vain even, yet the fact remains that people, especially ...

I feel like I am sliding backwards.  I feel incredibly sad today, depressed, morose.  There was no one thing that got me to feeling this way, just an accumulation of things.  I have been thinking about my mom alot lately, and missing her more than ever.  Who knew grief could come from out of the blue and swallow you whole?  Add to that a less-than-friendly environment at my new job.  I am always friendly to people, especially people I do not know very well.  I say "Good morning!" to people, I say "Hello" to them in the hallways and whatnot.  I try speaking to people and being outgoing.  And people at my new job seem so shut off or distant and not very warm.  I have been there a month and the dynamic is odd somehow, in a way that is hard to describe.  Maybe it is me, though I really don't think it is.  I don't know.  That has gotten to me too. And my boyfriend seems distant.  When he does talk to me it is always becaus...

Good morning!  It is Monday, the start of another week.  Hopefully this week will be free of snow and cold!  My goal this week is to work all 5 days of the week.  I am sure my paycheck will be sad but that's ok.   I spent the weekend fighting an abcess on my gum/jaw.  It has caused me considerable pain all last week and it finally seems to be getting better.  At some point I will have to eventually force myself to go to the dentist to have it looked at, as it occurs often enough to be worrysome.  I hate going to the dentist, for the usual reasons, but also because I am always fearful of disclosing my HIV.  The first time I tried to go to the dentist after I was diagnosed was not a good experience. I had called to make the appointment, making sure they were accepting new patients, which they said they were.  I go to the appointment and fill out my new patient paperwork, marking the box that asks if I have HIV.  I turn my paperwork in...

Do you ever wonder what gives a life meaning? What is that indefinable characteristic of life that gives a glow to one’s soul to make them shine? I can not figure that out, not in the macro or micro aspect either one. Are our lives given meaning by what other people attribute you to be, or does it come from within, from having a sense of fulfillment? I know, I know...we are supposed to not care what other people think about us. We are supposed to move forward and onward in our lives, with our heads held high, full of confidence overflowing. Yet, in every facet of our lives, our actions, thoughts, and emotions are influenced, if not driven, by what other people think. I know I spend an inordinate amount of time second-guessing myself: what I said or did, what I should have said, what I should not have done, etc. It all seems like such a colossal waste of time and energy, fretting about that which should not matter. How great would our lives be if we could rid ourselves of...

Maybe it is because I am 40, or maybe it because I have lost almost 20 pounds, but lately I have been feeling better about myself. My body is OK; I no longer obsess over it. Strangely, it is when I stopped obsessing about what I ate or how much I ate that I began to lose weight. And the great thing is that I still eat what I want, I just do not eat as much or as often. If I want Taco Bell (and more times than not I do want Taco Bell) then I get Taco Bell and I enjoy the crap out of it. This past year has been a roller coaster of events, most of them not good. Mom died and then I got laid off and then I went a little crazy when I was off for 4 months. But, I am back to work now, I have a routine, I sleep well at night, and I can think about mom and have happy thoughts. For me, distance and perspective have changed a lot of who I am. You can not lose a parent and not be changed on some fundamental level. It is impossible. Things eventually become crystal clear and more def...

In honor of Valentine's Day I would like to introduce you to the love of my life.

So last night I had yet another dream about my ex, the one I was with for 8 and a half years.  The specifics of the dream may change a bit but the theme of the dreams are always the same.  In these dreams, which come frequently, we get back together after all these years apart.  Part of my, in the dream (and in real life?) is ecstatic to get back together with him, to right the wrong of having left him.  In the dream though there is always something that pops up to shatter the idea of a perfect reunion.  Last night's dream: there was some girl and her son who had moved into our apartment with us, and he was telling me this as we were walking up the stairs to the apartment, my first night back with him.  I woke up so pissed off he would keep such vital imformation from me.  I said something sarcastic to him and then I woke up.   I think my mind is getting warped lately.  Between going back to work and the associated changes involved with that,...