Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

I don't want to live anymore.  Yet, I am not suicidal.  I don't have the drive or balls to actually kill myself, but if a speeding car was hurtling towards me as I crossed a road, I'm not sure I would get out of the way.  Nothing makes sense anymore.  I lost my mom, I was laid off from my job.  I'm mad, hurt, bitter, hopeless and tired.  I am not strong enough to be in the lives of anyone because I'm so down.  Intellectually I know I should show compassion to my family and reach out to be a better brother and son and uncle but I can't reach past the dark well that I'm trapped in.  I know I should be aggressively searching for a job but I can't move.  I can't breathe.  I can barely shower every few days.  I don't shave anymore.  Sometimes I remember I brush my teeth, but not for days at a time.  Anxiety and despair has me crippled up in a tight knot.  I can't focus. If I'm reading a book, I switch to playing a game o...

So today I turned 40. It was the first birthday without my mom. It was not as hard as I thought, though I believe that is because I am burying so many of my emotions. I have become an expert at avoidance. It pains me to confront things, even things inside of me. I know it is probably healthy, but it is what it is. I do not have the time or space or resources to dig deep and deal with things. Now I have Thanksgiving coming up in a couple of weeks. Last year on Thanksgiving me and mom and Michael went to Cracker Barrel. And then later that night we went to Staples so I could wait in line to but my Chromebook. Even towards the end she sacrificed things for my happiness.