Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

Well today is the first day I have started feeling like I am getting better. Of course I am; I have a doctor's appointment Monday morning. Murphy's Law I guess. But I will gladly accept getting better in exchange for what I have felt the last two weeks. I opened the window in my bedroom to feel the breeze come through. My bedroom has been feeling a bit stale and stuffy. Kitty is definitely enjoying the window and breeze as well. Soon I will even have my voice back and I will be able to sing to the world again, though that is probably a torture the world can do without! I got my lab results back the other day. My t-cells have went up to 822, up from 620. I am still undetectable. Seeing my lab results was reassuring because I was worried about having been off my meds for a week (again) and worried the bronchitis had depressed my immune system. I still worry this off and on manner in which I have been forced into these last couple of years will eventually lead to tr...

Maybe it is because I have been sick and I feel weak. Maybe it is because I felt closer to death recently than ever before. Maybe it is that I am overwhelmed with everything. Maybe it is all of these things. But I am missing my mom so much tonight, and lately. So much is happening in my life that I can not share with her. I feel her emptiness so intensely, like I have dove into a freezing ocean. I have lost my compass and my life preserver. There is nobody in my life close to me like mom was. I feel as though I lost a part of myself, some vital part that is essential to live. Instead I am treading water, gurgling, sputtering, failing, falling. How does one even live without joy, without love, without warmth? There is no life on the moon, or Mars, or Pluto. All of these places are barren. You can see the sun far away but not feel it's warmth, it's vital essence. For them, and for me, the sun is forever closed off and apart, far away, unfathomably teasing itself...

Waking up one day with a diagnosis that means you will never, ever get better is a hard pill to swallow - the first of many, many pills to swallow. People with invisible illnesses live in a world where our lives are one of quiet desperation. Where we wear a smile to hide the 5 different “issues” going on that day. Sometimes we do such an amazing job of pretending that things are great that those around us don’t even believe we are sick. Having been very, very sick the last 5 days, sicker than I have been in years, it has come to my attention that the vast majority of people care nothing about a sick person. Oh, I am sure they care for them once they are dead, of course, because that gives the good Southerners something to do: by being theatrical in the throes of grief and concern. Death changes the equation greatly and death is NOT what I am talking about here. I am talking about the sick but alive people around us. Or maybe it’s not that people don’t care about sick people ...

Well, what I first thought was thrush turned out to be more than that. I am positive that I have bronchitis and an intestinal bug of some sort and a sore throat. Warm liquids are the only relief I have when eating or drinking, Hot chocolate has been my friend. Cold bottled water...not so much. I feel so dried out inside. I have had a humidifier on 24/7, which helps a little. I feel as though someone has poked me with a red-hot poker to the back of my throat, and then again through my sinus cavity, and yet again through my left ear. I have congestion in my upper respiratory area that is only relieved when I blow my nose gently. If I blow too hard then my ears make a crackly sound which also causes pain. I also have a burning congestion in my lungs; when I cough I sound as though I am drowning and it burns so bad. I also have diarrhea, which God only knows where that fits in. Usually I am good at diagnosing myself but there are too many variables going on here. I believe ...

So it has been a chaotic few weeks for my health lately.  I had two dental abcesses for which I had to go on antibiotics.  The abcesses healed and I am in the process of starting a journey of lengthy and expensive dental work.  The antibiotics healed my abcesses, but alas, now I have thrush. Thrush is when your mouth and/or throat become infected with an overgrowth of fungus.  It is like a yeast infection but in your mouth.  It is not fun, obviously.  Thrush happens when one's immune system is poor, mostly seen in infants and people with untreated HIV.  For me, I have always been sensitive to thrush, even before I became HIV positive.  I don't get it often but when I do, it is very annoying. You see, in a person's mouth there is an environment that is very complex.  Your mouth has a high concentration of bacteria along with fungi.  Normally, there is a balance within the mouth whereas the bacteria that is naturally present keeps the fungus from getting out of control.  ...

The reality of being adherent to HIV treatment when you are not wealthy is that it takes an idiotic amount of legwork and time just to get a tiny pill that you need to live. Nevermind the monetary costs involved, or the bureaucratic nightmare of coordinating amongst Ryan White as well. With HIV it is best if you are financially wealthy otherwise remaining in treatment is as devastating as the virus itself. After being off of my HIV meds for a week, today I was finally able to go back on them. I know HIV advocates and my doctor would be clutching their pearls to know I have not been adherent. All of the magazine articles and HIV organizations are always talking about adherence (never ever going off of your meds, never forgetting to take your pill or pills) as though it is as easy as 1, 2, 3. Sadly, the reality is such that remaining on meds and in care is not as simple as the "good" HIV people seem to portray. Life gets in the way, things happen...often things outside ...

I worked with my mom in Pigeon Forge off and on for many years and at several places. I first helped her out when she worked at Genera. Genera was the company who created the clothes that changed color based on body heat. It sounds like a great concept at first, but then when you factor in how awkward looking it is when your arm or leg pits become warm, or how embarrassing it is when you pass gas (yes, it showed when you did that!) the concept was short lived. Besides, the novelty wore off after one or two times wearing it; something can only be cool for a very short shelf life. We also worked together at Galt Sand in the Red Roof Mall. Galt Sand was based in Texas and was named after John Galt from the Ayn Rand book Atlas Shrugged. They sold t-shirts and assorted clothing for men and women. I helped them with their inventory at times, and became a partitime key holder. My mom and I had become very close to the coworkers and store manager, Kim Greene, at Galt Sand. There w...

The day my grandmother died, my world felt like it had ended. I had quit work and moved home in order to be with my grandmother in her last months. She was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer and was given 6 months to live. She had always had abdominal pain and had been back and forth to the hospital for various reasons, but she always complained about the abdominal pain. Finally, on the last visit to the hospital, they did some sort of scan or MRI or x-ray and discovered the cancer. They had performed chest scans before but never scanned below her chest, so the cancer was overlooked. It still makes me angry to this day to know that they simply overlooked to what was obvious to me in retrospect. Of course, seeing the past is always 20-20. It was only my mom and grandmother and me in the hospital room when the doctor came in to tell us about the hateful cancer. He gave the information to us in a very matter-of-fact manner. The doctor said she had 6 months at best to...

So I have made the decision a few weeks ago to go off my antidepresants.  I have been a zombie for awhile now and I hate not feeling things.  Joy? No.  Sad? Somtimes.  In that way, the medication seemed to stop working or it has dulled me so much that it is working exactly as it should.  I am not sure which it is. With Lexapro, and most antidepressants, it is imperative that you wean off of them slowly, so as to eliminate or reduce the withdrawals.  I have been gradually tapering off the last few weeks.  Apparently I didn't spend enough time tapering so when I finally stopped taking them a few days ago withdrawals began, though not as bad as they have been before when I went without them for a few days.  Mostly I feel like my thoughts are shooting out like sparkers....you know, the ones you light up on the 4th of July, that shoot sparks everywhere?  Yeah, that is my head right now.  Trying to grasp a thought is like trying to capture f...