Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

I never understood why Mom died.  More specifically, I did not understand why she signed a do-not-resuscitate (DNR) order.  I could not understand why she would choose to die while there was still chances that she may live.  "But what if we tried this? What if we tried that?" is what kept going through my mind while it was all happening.  I wonder if I was grasping at straws in order to deny the inevitable, or if she had simply just gave up.  Part of my was so angry when she decided to unplug her life-support machines.  I could not understand why she wouldn't just wait it out a little longer; what if there was hope just around the corner but she never got to it?  But then I realized two things.  These realizations are recent, because it is only with time and distance I can even think about those horrible days.  She was tired.  She had been battling so many things the past few years of her life.  First, and probably the c...

It has been almost 2 weeks since this sickness began and I am still not at 100%.  Isn't it funny how sickness or illness happens in the most inopportune time?  For me, this illness has been a huge setback, both for school and in life.  I have had to take time to rest, in an attempt to hasten recovery. And yet it seems recovery is not happening quickly enough.  I feel like everyone expects me to brush it all off, to jump back into being the same old me, and that is not happening.  I have not been this sick in years.  It has fundamentally changed me.  I feel closer to my mortality, closer to death, than I have ever felt.  Maybe I am a crappy sick person.  Maybe I am a pessimist.  Maybe I am just weak from it all and everything looks like doom and gloom. All I know for sure is that I am exhausted and afraid.  I am afraid of falling behind in school, with only a few more weeks left of the semester.  I am afraid of getting in...