Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

Do you ever wonder why it is we look at ourselves and our world in the way that we do?  I am not sure how or when I became a bitter, angry person.  It seems to correlate though that the worse I feel about myself then the worse I tend to view the world and those around me.  Nothing I do seems to be good or right or pleasurable or long-lasting.  Why is it this way? I can not remember when it was that I last felt good or happy.  I literally can't remember.  Everything feels so strained.  Everything feels like a root canal.  I am not sure I would even know where or how to feel good about life again.  I am not sure how I can get back to feeling good about myself again.  It seems like I am just circling the drain, waiting on that last gurgle before all the water is gone, rushing down the pipes toward the septic tank.  That is my life.  That is what my soul feels like.  Torture.  I feel so far outside of everything that I ...

I think I am having a string of bad luck lately and it is becoming too much to deal with.  I think it is because I have stretched myself too thin, working too many hours at work.  And yet I feel trapped, financially, because I have to work so much in order to pay for everything.  I have the house payment, the cell phone bill, electricity, tuition, food, everything.  I am overwhelmed in every area of my life and I do not see a way out.  If I work less then something goes unpaid.  Cell phones get turned off.  Tuition is late.  If I work too much then I fail at school because I have no time or energy or waking hours with which to study.  It is a no-win situation and I can't see how to fix everything.  I feel cornered or like a bear in one of those bear traps; I understand why animals gnaw off their leg to get out of such a trap.  When you are already in this much pain, gnawing off a part of you is nothing.  And bad things keep s...