Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

In the early days of the HIV epidemic a person’s physical appearance very closely mirrored the internal infection. Nowadays, the physical impacts of HIV are mostly internal, be they physical or emotional or some hybrid of the two. I may not think about my HIV every day but I definitely feel it every single day. Not a day goes by that I am not nauseated at some point, or that I lose my desire to eat or I am fatigued due to poor sleep. Or I often refrain from eating because of the nausea, then force myself eat, and then feel sick from eating. It is definitely not the most fun sort of roller coaster. Often my eating habits mirror those of someone with bulimia minus the forced vomiting. I feel as though I lose and gain the same 10-15 pounds over and over again. Incidentally, my perception of my body changes as often as I gain and lose those pounds. Intellectually I know it is silly to tie my sense of self-worth to my body, vain even, yet the fact remains that people, especially ...

I feel like I am sliding backwards.  I feel incredibly sad today, depressed, morose.  There was no one thing that got me to feeling this way, just an accumulation of things.  I have been thinking about my mom alot lately, and missing her more than ever.  Who knew grief could come from out of the blue and swallow you whole?  Add to that a less-than-friendly environment at my new job.  I am always friendly to people, especially people I do not know very well.  I say "Good morning!" to people, I say "Hello" to them in the hallways and whatnot.  I try speaking to people and being outgoing.  And people at my new job seem so shut off or distant and not very warm.  I have been there a month and the dynamic is odd somehow, in a way that is hard to describe.  Maybe it is me, though I really don't think it is.  I don't know.  That has gotten to me too. And my boyfriend seems distant.  When he does talk to me it is always becaus...

Good morning!  It is Monday, the start of another week.  Hopefully this week will be free of snow and cold!  My goal this week is to work all 5 days of the week.  I am sure my paycheck will be sad but that's ok.   I spent the weekend fighting an abcess on my gum/jaw.  It has caused me considerable pain all last week and it finally seems to be getting better.  At some point I will have to eventually force myself to go to the dentist to have it looked at, as it occurs often enough to be worrysome.  I hate going to the dentist, for the usual reasons, but also because I am always fearful of disclosing my HIV.  The first time I tried to go to the dentist after I was diagnosed was not a good experience. I had called to make the appointment, making sure they were accepting new patients, which they said they were.  I go to the appointment and fill out my new patient paperwork, marking the box that asks if I have HIV.  I turn my paperwork in...