Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

I have been living with HIV since 2007.  Throughout my life since my diagnosis, I have been in and out of steady employment, as my diagnosis coincided with the downturn of the economy.   Even when I had steady employment, I still found it difficult to be able to afford the copays, deductibles, medicines and labwork required with modern HIV treatment.   When a person begins on HIV medication, they must remain on that medication for the duration of their lives.  We can NOT go on and off medicine.  We can NOT miss even a single dose of medication as the HIV virus would mutate quickly and the medicine would no longer be effective.   Too often, the systems in place for care fail those of us with HIV.  Applying and remaining on state and federally assisted Ryan White programs or ADAP require a great deal of paperwork, time, and hassle.  I have never had a quick and easy experience applying for Ryan White assistance.  I am happy to know t...

Being an HIV advocate means straddling two different, diametrically opposed worlds.  Engaging in battle on two fronts, much like a war, I advocate for both HIV+ (us) and HIV- people (them).  Each battle has it's own challenges and rewards, some of them immediate but most of them are unknown or more long-term in the rewards. And the idea of us and them reverses depending on which side of the fence you live on. It is sometimes hard to juggle two hats - fighting for those with HIV and fighting for those who do not have HIV.  Both groups of people have their seperate challenges.   People who perceive themselves to be HIV-negative (1 in 5 do not know they have HIV) believe they are not at risk for HIV.  HIV is something from the 80’s, they say.  I can just take a pill and be fine, they say.  I am not someone who could get HIV, they say.  But all of these assumptions are false and are based on ignorance or they chose to keep their head in the sand...

Like an onion, there are many layers to HIV-related stigma.  Stigma can be internalized to oneself, or it can manifest outward.  Like an interstate, stigma can also move in both directions at the same time.  Consequences to stigma can impact a person, a relationship, or a community.  Like an elevator, stigma can move up and down the age scale.   The impact of stigma can have physical, emotional, and social effects to both HIV- and HIV+ men.  It seems to me there is a growing and widening divide between HIV+ and HIV- men.  Like an infection, it seems to be only getting worse.   I find myself being a part of the very stigma I detest, I have become an oxymoron and my behavior has become hypocritical of what I know to be right.   I would much rather become friends with someone with HIV than someone without it.  But...for me friendships with HIV- men too often become mentally exhausting; I get tired of the endless HIV-related...