Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

I think one side effect of having HIV that one doesn't really talk about or think about is the lonliness that comes with it.  Yeah, of course there is the more common reasons: some HIV negative guys shun those that are positive.  They would never consider dating a poz person, and they even slowly back away from platonic relationships as well.  Because we all know you can get it from friendship.  (That was sarcasm.) However, there is another type of lonliness that sets in.  When someone like myself has fatigue more days than not, a social life is out of the question.  Being an introvert doesn't help either, I'm sure.  It simply costs too much energy to remain engaged in the comings and goings of others.  The irony is that I never lost my desire to want to do things with people, just the energy to do so.  It is like a puzzle with no solution.  I feel like I am forever on the outside looking in.  I am exhausted.  It is Friday ni...

It seems as though a few days of rest and Nyquil have brought me much closer to feeling normal again.  I don't feel fatigued anymore.  Maybe it is because I am FINALLY getting over my cold, so I don't have that to content with anymore. For me, all I can do is listen to my body and strive to find balance in all things.  I used to push myself to do things and to go places, even when what I really needed was rest.  I used to be so bad at taking care of myself.  I never made myself a priority, because in the modern world taking "me" time is looked down upon as being selfish.  On Facebook and at the water cooler, there is a certain approval given to people when they relate all of the wonderful things one did the previous weekend: "I ran a marathon this weekend!" "I painted my whole house, redecorated, and made a custom centerpiece for my dining room table, all while cooking a 5-course meal from scratch!" "I played 5 games of softball this weeke...

I think one of the worst things about having HIV, for me, is the ever-present fatigue. On some days it hits you so hard that you simply can not overcome it. Most days you can ignore it and pretend and go on with life, scraping up enough energy to get through your work day. But on those days, I come home and crash hard. On other days, like today, there is no overcoming fatigue. And there does not seem to be an apparent cause, which is frustrating. My stomach has been upset for a few days, leading me to be sick, and I have had "gastrointestinal distress" for about a week. But I have been eating, drinking enough fluids, going to bed at a reasonable hour. Hell, I even had 4 days off. But still...fatigue. I don't think having fatigue is something many people understand. Some people say you are just being lazy. Others say you are being dramatic. But nobody really knows what it is like, unless they too experience it. Being so tired is not something I have chos...