Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

I am starting to feel the effects of being off meds. Before I started on meds back in 2009, HIV presented itself to me in a myriad of skin issues.  Of course I had the typical fatigue and exhaustion, but mostly I had skin issues - boils, MRSA infections, pimples that turned into boils.  It was to such a degree that I never wanted to go out in public.  I had to work to live, so I did go out in public, but only to work.  I never wanted to be social because I felt so uncomfortable and disfigured. Once I went on meds these issues cleared up in their own.  I had previously been on at least 30 rounds of various antibiotics in order to combat my skin dillemas.  I would take a round of antibiotics, usually Bactrim, and my MRSA/etc would go away for 2-3 weeks.  Just when I thought it was gone for good, it would come back like a bad ex boyfriend. Now...I have had two skin eruptions this week, both of which feel like a big scarlet HIV on my face and nec...

Today was not such a bad day.  It was cold and wet, an annoying kind of misty precipitation that was more penetrating than a full on rainfall would have been.  The mist seeped through my clothes, through my pores and straight into the core of me.  I felt cold from the outside in and all points in between. It is bizarre how easily it is for me to talk to guys on the other side of this planet it than it is to talk to people in my everyday world.  It seems as though the closer to my real life people are, the harder it is for me to relate or talk to them.  Have I completely lost my trust in people to such a degree that I won’t let anyone in who can do me true real-world immediate harm?  I think that is what is happening.  I feel as though there is a tiny black hole in my core that is slowly sucking the essence of myself into it...my joy, my humanity, my ability to feel...all if it feels like it is being snuffed out.  It feels inevitable, as impo...

More and more, companies are moving towards high-deductible insurance plans.  Such plans do not begin to provide benefits until you have incurred a high dollar amount of medical expenses.  Such plans begin around $1000 or $2500 or even higher.  To an employer these plans represent a huge savings because these group policies are not nearly as expensive to purchase as is traditional group insurances.   However, these plans represent a risk to those who live paycheck to paycheck.  High-deductible insurance plans often present an insurmountable obstacle in obtaining health care.  For example, if someone takes an expensive medication for diseases such as HIV or Cancer then you can find yourself with sticker shock come January (or whenever the yearly deductible resets).  Unless you knew ahead of time that you would have a high deductible, then chances are most people do not have a spare $2500 just sitting around.   This is what happened to me. ...

Today I have learned that no matter how hard I try, I can not control everything.  I can plan for things, I can try my very best to hold back a tidal wave with my hands, but in the end you still get washed away.   I went to CVS to get my Stribild and was told my pharmacy claim had been rejected, with the message saying I need to get my prescription via a specialty pharmacy.  I had thought this issue had been fixed months ago, as I have been getting my meds from CVS just fine, after Anthem BCBS provided a permanent waiver for me to do so.  The pharmacy calls their help-desk, who if course does not provide any meaningful help. I get home and call Anthem BCBS and spoke to Paula, who was very nice and sweet and helpful.  She was able to call ExpressScripts who was able to reapply the waiver.  BUT...after running the claim it comes back that I have a $2500 deductible.  No problem, I tell myself.  I have a Gilead Copay Assistance Card.  I ha...

So my t-cell count took a nosedive.  I went from an all-time high of 908 down to 674, an almost 25% reduction in tcells.  My t-cell percentage remained stable at 23% though.  Yes, that is a low percentage, but my t-cell percentage had previously hovered around 14-16%, so my percentages have actually been steadily increasing, which is a better indicator of immune health anyway, so I am told. I freaked out when I pulled my labs up online.  I should have known better than to review my labs prior to my doctor's appoint.  My follow-up appointment to review my labs is not until next week.  So, I have needlessly created angst and worry for myself.  I am not sure which would have been worse - waiting to get my results and wondering what the results would be...or...fussing and worrying about them now and not fully understanding what the labs mean.  Either way, I guess it is two sides of the same worry coin. I have read online extensively about plummeti...

It dawned on me today as I was sitting on the porcelain throne (I do my best thinking on my Throne) that I am 39.  I do not know why this realization had not hit me before now, especially on my birthday.  I guess on my birthday, I was more worried about bigger things (I had just found out on my 30th birthday that my partner had been sleeping with this young 20-something).  And after my birthday there is a huge rush of holiday preparations to deal with...first Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, and then New Years.  There really was not much time for ruminations beyond the daily mundane crap. Since my birthday, there was also the announcement at work that we had been bought out by another company, so there was a merger to be completed.  Of course when one hears the word “merger” or “takeover” then “layoffs” is not far behind.  In January, yup, they announced they would be laying off about 50% of our office.  It was also announced that we would know ou...