Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

I do not think I will ever get over the death of my mom. It will be 2 years in June and yet I find myself still missing her just like it happened yesterday. I still feel adrift and lost and alone. Nothing in the world can replace the love of a parent, nothing. Anything else than that is really just a cheap imitation. I want to lie in the cold bathroom floor and cry. I want to be angry; I am so angry! Having no direction for anger or resolution for that anger is the worst torture of all. Who do I curse? Who do I yell at? I don’t believe in God, so that is out. What do I do? What do I do? The only thing that has given me a focus or purpose since mom died is being accepted back into college. It has been 20 years since I was last in school and finally I am going back to finish my education. That felt empowering. It feels exciting. It gives me a goal to work towards. Finally I have a purpose in my life, something bigger than the pale imitation of life that I have been l...

People criticize me for coming from a place of loudness, a place of agitation, a place of TMI, and that is ok. It is not my responsibility to make people feel comfortable. I have never nor will I ever act or fail to act out of concern of what other people think. I do me, for me, and for some other cause. I stopped caring or worrying about what people thought of me back in high school. But that is an entirely different conversation to be had, I’m sure. I am not a Puritan. I am less like Ghandi and Oprah and more like Beyonce with her fist in the air. I identify more with anger and justice than I do in peace and harmony. I feel like it is important to speak out and take actions rather than be approach life with a passive nature. Passive is posting feel-good memes on your Facebook page and truly believing you are helping the world. But to me, hashtags, memes, online petitions are lazy and ineffective in sparking change. You change when you want to change. You put your ide...

I am listening to love songs on my headphones. Google Play Music has this little button you can hit called "I'm Feeling Lucky" and if you hit that button then Google creates a playlist based on all of your music, your likes, your dislikes, etc. Today Google decided I needed sassy and sad (though not within the same song, thank god) love songs. It is ironic because I sometimes find myself curious about love. It has been so long since I have felt love from someone or towards someone that I've almost forgotten what it feels like. Does love feel warm? Does it feel safe? Does it ripen the hope of possibilities inside you? Does it terrify you? I simply can not remember. It is maddening to try to grasp a memory of something. It is probably easier to grab a handful of a cloud. I have only been in love twice in my life, once with a female and later on, with a male. It has been over a decade since I was last in love. "But wait, what about the relationships...