Why Worrying Diminishes You

Do you ever wonder what gives a life meaning? What is that indefinable characteristic of life that gives a glow to one’s soul to make them shine? I can not figure that out, not in the macro or micro aspect either one. Are our lives given meaning by what other people attribute you to be, or does it come from within, from having a sense of fulfillment?

I know, I know...we are supposed to not care what other people think about us. We are supposed to move forward and onward in our lives, with our heads held high, full of confidence overflowing. Yet, in every facet of our lives, our actions, thoughts, and emotions are influenced, if not driven, by what other people think. I know I spend an inordinate amount of time second-guessing myself: what I said or did, what I should have said, what I should not have done, etc. It all seems like such a colossal waste of time and energy, fretting about that which should not matter.

How great would our lives be if we could rid ourselves of the could-haves, the should-haves, the don’t-haves! How liberating and freeing it would be, a great exhalation of peace. However, the simple truth remains: we are exactly where we are because of where we have been and what we have done, or failed to do. Second guessing the past doesn’t do much to change your present and it surely does nothing to enable you to seize your future. Well, I guess if one gains knowledge from analyzing such things that may be useful, though I tend to believe burning up the energy to do so outweighs the benefits in most situations, especially when it relates to the minutiae of our past.

There are days, like today, where I do question whether there is more to life. I wonder what could have been or what could be. I feel sadness and wonder if the antidepressant pill is helping me enough or not. I guess I am not suicidal anymore, which is a good thing I guess. But...shouldn’t there be more, or is that just a product of growing up in a Western civilization? Or does being HIV positive and gay prime you to always think of yourself as less than from the start, so that you are always trying to make yourself bigger and better?

I kind of think wanting more and wanting bigger things is a symptom of our culture and not really a goal or desire to have in a healthy manner. Wanting things or wanting someone makes you not appreciate what is right in front of you. It makes you forget all the wonderful things you DO have: a warm place to sleep, food to eat, Taco Bell when I want it, a functioning body that takes me where I need to go. Part of me screams to the other “Oh, you and your first-world problems!”. But then the other part of me wants my life to be more, to be meaningful in a substantial way. Often I feel very much lacking in meaning. I am not sure my life contributes anything of meaning to the world. I wonder, do ants or bees or a bird within a flock of birds ever have such feelings of insignificance? Or do they go along their merry little way, happy to make honey or dig ant hills or fly in the sky?

Having HIV makes me very conscious of my energy. Energy is not sustainable without some sort of input, it just doesn’t manifest because you want it to. One of the things HIV has taught me is how to pull back and say no, often more often than I want to. The days of getting by on 4 hours of sleep and expecting to function are long gone, whether it is due to age or HIV or both. With age though does come the ability to prioritize, at least for me, so I know which things I am willing and able to use my energy for. When you add an introvertive nature and clinical depression, most days I scrape the bottom of the barrel just to be able to work a full time job.

Lives change, circumstances change, dreams burn bright like a star only to fizzle out in the darkness, having turned into a shooting star instead - visible and bright yet fleeting and unreachable. I believe happiness can be found by the things around you, the people around you...the things you can reach, even if reaching for them means you have to stretch a bit. If something is beyond my reach then I would be spending much more precious energy doing acrobats to reach it than I would be by holding tight that which is near me. The way forward, for me, is to take it one day at a time, just like I learned from my Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I try my best to focus on the now, the moment I am currently occupying. I worry with only that which I can control whether that is taking my HIV meds every single day or making sure I listen to my body when it tells me what to do next (which is usually “take a nap, now!”).