Life is OK



Maybe it is because I am 40, or maybe it because I have lost almost 20 pounds, but lately I have been feeling better about myself. My body is OK; I no longer obsess over it. Strangely, it is when I stopped obsessing about what I ate or how much I ate that I began to lose weight. And the great thing is that I still eat what I want, I just do not eat as much or as often. If I want Taco Bell (and more times than not I do want Taco Bell) then I get Taco Bell and I enjoy the crap out of it.

This past year has been a roller coaster of events, most of them not good. Mom died and then I got laid off and then I went a little crazy when I was off for 4 months. But, I am back to work now, I have a routine, I sleep well at night, and I can think about mom and have happy thoughts. For me, distance and perspective have changed a lot of who I am. You can not lose a parent and not be changed on some fundamental level. It is impossible. Things eventually become crystal clear and more defined.

Not even when I stopped doing crystal meth did such a level of clarity come to me. Back then, it was all I could do to hold off my cravings and stay afloat. My brain was so scrambled that I was basically just treading water for years. I was a mess after I became clean. Though I had stopped the drugs, I was still saying and doing things that were just as self-destructive. I still found a means by which to mainline drama and turmoil, though not on a conscious level.

Oh, there is still a lot of things about my life I want to change. There always will be. For example, I am still not ambitious in the least, which in American culture is offensive. I am content with doing a good job and earning a paycheck but there are absolutely no ladders I wish to climb. I am also past the point of having to being upset when people I am friendly to are not friendly in return. I just shrug my shoulders and roll my eyes and go on. Boundaries are great things; they help in keeping the troubled people at a distance.

Maybe it is that I am listening to some awesome 90’s music or maybe because I have been cooped up in this house on the hill due to the snow and ice, but I have been reflecting and thinking about things a lot the last week or so. I feel as though my batteries have been recharged and that I am ready to enjoy life, even if it is not perfect.

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