Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

Do you ever want to just turn around and walk away from your life, just walk away from every everything?  That is how I feel...unanchored, unmoored, drifting inside.  My tolerance for crap is very low today. 

Yesterday I buried my mother.  Today it is hitting me.  Every moment is a confused mess of questions, all of them starting with “why”.  Why are you gone?  Why did this happen?  Why didn’t we do enough to save you?   Or “how”...How can I live without you?  How will I get through this?  How did this happen?  How is it possible you are not here anymore?  How can I ever be happy or feel secure again if you are not in my life? None of these questions really capture how I feel.  I feel so lost, so broken, so insubstantial.  I am in a fog and I do not know what direction is which.  I walk into rooms and forget why, I get out of the shower and realize I have forgotten to rinse shampoo and soap off of me.  I keep picking up the phone to call my mom and catch myself and that feels like ripping a band-aid off very slowly from a wound that won’t ever heal. I do not know if I will ever get through this or over this. ...