Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

Do you ever wonder what gives a life meaning? What is that indefinable characteristic of life that gives a glow to one’s soul to make them shine? I can not figure that out, not in the macro or micro aspect either one. Are our lives given meaning by what other people attribute you to be, or does it come from within, from having a sense of fulfillment? I know, I know...we are supposed to not care what other people think about us. We are supposed to move forward and onward in our lives, with our heads held high, full of confidence overflowing. Yet, in every facet of our lives, our actions, thoughts, and emotions are influenced, if not driven, by what other people think. I know I spend an inordinate amount of time second-guessing myself: what I said or did, what I should have said, what I should not have done, etc. It all seems like such a colossal waste of time and energy, fretting about that which should not matter. How great would our lives be if we could rid ourselves of...

Maybe it is because I am 40, or maybe it because I have lost almost 20 pounds, but lately I have been feeling better about myself. My body is OK; I no longer obsess over it. Strangely, it is when I stopped obsessing about what I ate or how much I ate that I began to lose weight. And the great thing is that I still eat what I want, I just do not eat as much or as often. If I want Taco Bell (and more times than not I do want Taco Bell) then I get Taco Bell and I enjoy the crap out of it. This past year has been a roller coaster of events, most of them not good. Mom died and then I got laid off and then I went a little crazy when I was off for 4 months. But, I am back to work now, I have a routine, I sleep well at night, and I can think about mom and have happy thoughts. For me, distance and perspective have changed a lot of who I am. You can not lose a parent and not be changed on some fundamental level. It is impossible. Things eventually become crystal clear and more def...

In honor of Valentine's Day I would like to introduce you to the love of my life.

So last night I had yet another dream about my ex, the one I was with for 8 and a half years.  The specifics of the dream may change a bit but the theme of the dreams are always the same.  In these dreams, which come frequently, we get back together after all these years apart.  Part of my, in the dream (and in real life?) is ecstatic to get back together with him, to right the wrong of having left him.  In the dream though there is always something that pops up to shatter the idea of a perfect reunion.  Last night's dream: there was some girl and her son who had moved into our apartment with us, and he was telling me this as we were walking up the stairs to the apartment, my first night back with him.  I woke up so pissed off he would keep such vital imformation from me.  I said something sarcastic to him and then I woke up.   I think my mind is getting warped lately.  Between going back to work and the associated changes involved with that,...

Today I am saddened to hear about the suicide of transgender teenager Leelah Alcorn.  She killed herself by throwing herself in front of an 18-wheeler truck on an interstate by her house.  She was demonized by her parents and ostracized by her peers.  How does anyone’s soul deserve such cruelty?  How does such hate exist in this world that people fear that which is different?  I just can not wrap my mind around that. Here is Leelah’s suicide note, left on her blog http://lazerprincess.tumblr.com/ : If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue. Please don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The life I would’ve lived isn’t worth living in… because I’m transgender. I could go into detail explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boy’s body, and I’ve felt that way ever since I was 4. I ne...

So today I went to the doctor's office to get my pneumonia and flu vaccinations.  She gave me a shot in each arm.  It didn't hurt at all when she gave them to me, not like I was expecting it to.  I always fear needles and I hate getting shots, but each time is never as bad as I feared.   The pneumonia vaccination she gave me was called Prevnar 13 (www.prevnar13.com) is a newer vaccine, one which guards against 13 different strains of pneumonia.  People with HIV are at much higher risk of pneumonia infections (not just PCP) so we must get this vaccination to guard against this risk.  What is additionally scary is that 70% of healthy adults carry the S pneumoniae bacteria at any given time.  Also, over 302,000 adults over the age of 50 are hospitalized each year for pneumonia.  Concurrently, we are seeing higher numbers of people over 50 contract HIV (because the ones who have always had HIV get older and also because of a rise in infections in peop...