Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

I think one side effect of having HIV that one doesn't really talk about or think about is the lonliness that comes with it.  Yeah, of course there is the more common reasons: some HIV negative guys shun those that are positive.  They would never consider dating a poz person, and they even slowly back away from platonic relationships as well.  Because we all know you can get it from friendship.  (That was sarcasm.) However, there is another type of lonliness that sets in.  When someone like myself has fatigue more days than not, a social life is out of the question.  Being an introvert doesn't help either, I'm sure.  It simply costs too much energy to remain engaged in the comings and goings of others.  The irony is that I never lost my desire to want to do things with people, just the energy to do so.  It is like a puzzle with no solution.  I feel like I am forever on the outside looking in.  I am exhausted.  It is Friday ni...

It seems as though a few days of rest and Nyquil have brought me much closer to feeling normal again.  I don't feel fatigued anymore.  Maybe it is because I am FINALLY getting over my cold, so I don't have that to content with anymore. For me, all I can do is listen to my body and strive to find balance in all things.  I used to push myself to do things and to go places, even when what I really needed was rest.  I used to be so bad at taking care of myself.  I never made myself a priority, because in the modern world taking "me" time is looked down upon as being selfish.  On Facebook and at the water cooler, there is a certain approval given to people when they relate all of the wonderful things one did the previous weekend: "I ran a marathon this weekend!" "I painted my whole house, redecorated, and made a custom centerpiece for my dining room table, all while cooking a 5-course meal from scratch!" "I played 5 games of softball this weeke...

I think one of the worst things about having HIV, for me, is the ever-present fatigue. On some days it hits you so hard that you simply can not overcome it. Most days you can ignore it and pretend and go on with life, scraping up enough energy to get through your work day. But on those days, I come home and crash hard. On other days, like today, there is no overcoming fatigue. And there does not seem to be an apparent cause, which is frustrating. My stomach has been upset for a few days, leading me to be sick, and I have had "gastrointestinal distress" for about a week. But I have been eating, drinking enough fluids, going to bed at a reasonable hour. Hell, I even had 4 days off. But still...fatigue. I don't think having fatigue is something many people understand. Some people say you are just being lazy. Others say you are being dramatic. But nobody really knows what it is like, unless they too experience it. Being so tired is not something I have chos...

https://youtu.be/XPNe0qgyVH8

While I was in college, I became friends with a girl who lived in my dorm, Rathanak San. Her family was of Cambodian origin; her family fled to the United States to escape persecution in Cambodia. Rathanak was in one of Jose’s classes and she and I became close fast. Some of my best memories of living in the dorms are when Rathanak and I would just hang out my dorm room, eating popcorn and drinking soda. Jose and Rathanak were both very much into physical fitness, Jose because of his wrestling background and Rathanak because her major was Fitness and Sports Management. I even dated her roommate for a time, back when I was still confused with my sexuality. It was coming up on the end of the fall semester which meant it was time for Christmas break. On that particular Christmas I had plans to go to Dad and Wanda’s for Christmas. I was living in Greentree Village at the time, because I remember Rathanak staying with me there so that she could study for finals in peace. Her fam...

One night while out at Trumps with Jose and Janet, we met this really cute guy named Daniel D--. Daniel was noticeable for several reasons. One, he was extremely cute. He also had a soul patch, and this was decades before they were common. He also sounded different from all the other gays in that he didn’t have a southern accent. We couldn’t tell where he was from but we knew he was not local. I believe it was Jose who had met him first. Jose was usually always the first to talk to people. Jose didn’t have a single shy bone in his whole body. His friendly demeanor and open arms made him many friends. After the bar, we ended up talking to Daniel some more. We met up at McDonalds on the strip. The idea was to go eat somewhere – Krystals or IHOP, but we ended up just standing in that parking lot talking until the wee hours. I was immediately fascinated by Daniel. He was so different than so many other guys. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know the 3 of us. He...

I began school at the University of Tennessee @ Knoxville in the fall of 1993. I lived at home my first semester of college because it didn’t make sense to pay for a dorm when I lived 30 minutes from campus. It just didn’t make sense at the time to live on campus when I could save money by commuting. I took the regular assortment of freshman required classes that first semester, though my mind was so not on college. I was just sort of following in the footsteps of expectations and didn’t have a real desire to be there. I don’t think I then got the seriousness of being in college and the doors it could open. College was just the next step in a ladder that had already been planned for me. No other options even came into my mind. Unfortunately, I failed every class that first semester except English; my total GPA was a .09. The second semester I moved to Hess Hall on campus. Total immersion in the college experience was the solution to my previous semester’s screw ups. I wa...