Feeling Lonely

I think one side effect of having HIV that one doesn't really talk about or think about is the lonliness that comes with it.  Yeah, of course there is the more common reasons: some HIV negative guys shun those that are positive.  They would never consider dating a poz person, and they even slowly back away from platonic relationships as well.  Because we all know you can get it from friendship.  (That was sarcasm.)

However, there is another type of lonliness that sets in.  When someone like myself has fatigue more days than not, a social life is out of the question.  Being an introvert doesn't help either, I'm sure.  It simply costs too much energy to remain engaged in the comings and goings of others.  The irony is that I never lost my desire to want to do things with people, just the energy to do so.  It is like a puzzle with no solution.  I feel like I am forever on the outside looking in. 

I am exhausted.  It is Friday night and here I am feeling sorry for myself.  Here I am alone.  Here I am living a life I don't want.  I don't even know what I want, other than to start over, to hit reset.  To move out of the country into a new life. 

I want a week of sleep. 

I want warmth.  I want music.  I want to be held, to be touched, to be loved.  I want someone to care about me.  I want to give all of those things as well.  I think in giving I will feel as though I received.  (Hmmm, I guess that makes me versatile...).

I am 41 and I don't feel as though I have much time left to get it right.  At best I have two or three decades.  Probably less if I am always feeling like this.  The sense of urgency matches my sense of futility in finding the life that I want and need.

For now I believe I will go to sleep.  Things always seem gloomy when you're tired.   

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