Daniel - My First Crush
One night while out at Trumps with Jose and Janet, we met this really cute guy named Daniel D--. Daniel was noticeable for several reasons. One, he was extremely cute. He also had a soul patch, and this was decades before they were common. He also sounded different from all the other gays in that he didn’t have a southern accent. We couldn’t tell where he was from but we knew he was not local. I believe it was Jose who had met him first. Jose was usually always the first to talk to people. Jose didn’t have a single shy bone in his whole body. His friendly demeanor and open arms made him many friends.
After the bar, we ended up talking to Daniel some more. We met up at McDonalds on the strip. The idea was to go eat somewhere – Krystals or IHOP, but we ended up just standing in that parking lot talking until the wee hours. I was immediately fascinated by Daniel. He was so different than so many other guys. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know the 3 of us. He made us all feel like we wanted to get to know him more, though I am sure we all had different ideas about how this was to be done.
Me, I of course had an instant crush on him. Jose seemed not as interested in him romantically though I do remember thinking Daniel did have an interest in Jose in that way, though nothing ever came of it. But then again, one time Jose did come over to my apartment when he knew Daniel was in town, and that was one of the first times I remember wanting Jose to go away. Daniel did not live in Knoxville, he was just visiting friends and was not but for about a week or so. Daniel was from Hawaii, though he did travel quite a bit. The whole time I knew Daniel I know that he also lived in LA. There was a very bad earthquake in LA back in 94 or 95 and I remember frantically trying to get a hold of Daniel to see if he was ok. Of course he was safe and ok, though it was a close call.
My most vivid memory of Daniel was when he visited me on his way to relocate to Atlanta. At the time he had some items in storage in North Carolina. His plan was to fly to Asheville, make arrangements to have his things shipped or moved to Atlanta. I was to pick him up in Asheville (he had no car) and then bring him back to my apartment for a night or two. Then I was to take him to his new apartment in Atlanta.
The ride from Asheville to Knoxville was a first for me, in that I had never spent so much time with someone I was so attracted to. Dating was not something I had ever participated in up to this point. I wasn’t even fully accepting of the idea that I was actually gay. But that ride with Daniel opened me up in a way that was new and exciting to me. Talking to him was easy; he made me feel comfortable while also probing me to see just who I was.
He quickly discovered I had some issues with the idea of being gay. Daniel was out and proud but by no means was he a queen. To this day I have yet to meet anyone like him, so he is kind of hard to describe. He was so serene and comfortable with who he was as a gay man. It was really the first time I had met a proud gay man, one who also didn’t throw it in your face either. He challenged my views, especially my preconceived negative misunderstandings about what it meant to be gay. Granted this was in the early to mid 90s and his way of thinking was ahead of the times, even back then. In those days, to be out meant to be out and LOUD; these were the days of ACT UP and the days before there was a treatment for HIV. Gay politics were very fierce and outspoken. Daniel was the opposite of those times, being so calm and serene yet proud.
We got back to my house and it was late so we thought we would just crash. Of course I only had a twin bed, so I didn’t really think too far ahead in regards to sleeping arrangements. It was decided he would sleep on the sofa.
Before I went off to bed Daniel asked me to sit with him for a moment on the floor of the living room, on a blanket in front of the sofa. He said he wanted to express his appreciation for driving all over the place to get him, letting him stay with me, and for taking him to Atlanta. Now with any other person this would have sounded like a cheap line to get me into bed, and even in my young age I would have recognized it as such. But coming from Daniel, knowing who Daniel was, I knew without a doubt his words were genuine. He truly wanted to show his appreciation. Daniel was 30 years old, though he looked younger. I was only 19. Yet, I never felt then nor do I feel now that he was trying to take advantage of me, on any level.
As we were leaned up against the couch, Daniel gently took me in his arms, and laid me down. As he leaned over on top of me, he was just starting to give me the softest, most intense kiss of my life. Looking into his eyes as he was coming towards me I felt such trust in him, such trust in that moment. My heartbeat felt like a fluttering bird banging against its cage. And then, right as he kissed me…there was a knock on my door. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out who would be knocking on my door so late; it was about 11 PM.
I opened the door and there was Jose. For the first time since I had known him, I wanted Jose to go away and just disappear. I was frustrated that he interrupted such a beautiful moment and annoyed that he had not called first. Jose knew this was the night Daniel was in town, so he had stopped by to see if we wanted to go out clubbing with him. Daniel and I were tired from the drive and we also had to get up early to continue on to Atlanta so we declined his offer to go out. Jose was not there that long, but I think he knew he interrupted something because he jokingly mentioned that we look flustered. Jose left and the moment was ruined. Neither one of us continued where we left off, me because I didn’t know how to proceed and Daniel for reasons of his own. We never brought up that almost moment at all the next day. I drove him to Atlanta and I never saw him again.
Just like that he was gone out of my life. I had tried calling him a couple of times but our phone conversations were brief and far between. At the time I didn’t understand why he abruptly stopped our friendship, especially since we had kept in faithful touch for over a year without any problems. Of course in hindsight I can see that he had finally arrived at his destination and he was probably diving full force into his new life. I am sure he couldn’t be bothered with a guy who had a crush on him hours away. I always have wondered what happened to him. I cared about him deeply and look at him as one of the ones who got away. Sometimes you lose people and I think that loss cannot be blamed on either person, it is just the way life goes.
PS: A year or so ago I reconnected with Daniel and talk to him regularly still. He lived his life in Colorado for many years and just a few months ago he moved back to Atlanta. I last talked to him a couple of weeks ago. I need to text or email him soon.
After the bar, we ended up talking to Daniel some more. We met up at McDonalds on the strip. The idea was to go eat somewhere – Krystals or IHOP, but we ended up just standing in that parking lot talking until the wee hours. I was immediately fascinated by Daniel. He was so different than so many other guys. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know the 3 of us. He made us all feel like we wanted to get to know him more, though I am sure we all had different ideas about how this was to be done.
Me, I of course had an instant crush on him. Jose seemed not as interested in him romantically though I do remember thinking Daniel did have an interest in Jose in that way, though nothing ever came of it. But then again, one time Jose did come over to my apartment when he knew Daniel was in town, and that was one of the first times I remember wanting Jose to go away. Daniel did not live in Knoxville, he was just visiting friends and was not but for about a week or so. Daniel was from Hawaii, though he did travel quite a bit. The whole time I knew Daniel I know that he also lived in LA. There was a very bad earthquake in LA back in 94 or 95 and I remember frantically trying to get a hold of Daniel to see if he was ok. Of course he was safe and ok, though it was a close call.
My most vivid memory of Daniel was when he visited me on his way to relocate to Atlanta. At the time he had some items in storage in North Carolina. His plan was to fly to Asheville, make arrangements to have his things shipped or moved to Atlanta. I was to pick him up in Asheville (he had no car) and then bring him back to my apartment for a night or two. Then I was to take him to his new apartment in Atlanta.
The ride from Asheville to Knoxville was a first for me, in that I had never spent so much time with someone I was so attracted to. Dating was not something I had ever participated in up to this point. I wasn’t even fully accepting of the idea that I was actually gay. But that ride with Daniel opened me up in a way that was new and exciting to me. Talking to him was easy; he made me feel comfortable while also probing me to see just who I was.
He quickly discovered I had some issues with the idea of being gay. Daniel was out and proud but by no means was he a queen. To this day I have yet to meet anyone like him, so he is kind of hard to describe. He was so serene and comfortable with who he was as a gay man. It was really the first time I had met a proud gay man, one who also didn’t throw it in your face either. He challenged my views, especially my preconceived negative misunderstandings about what it meant to be gay. Granted this was in the early to mid 90s and his way of thinking was ahead of the times, even back then. In those days, to be out meant to be out and LOUD; these were the days of ACT UP and the days before there was a treatment for HIV. Gay politics were very fierce and outspoken. Daniel was the opposite of those times, being so calm and serene yet proud.
We got back to my house and it was late so we thought we would just crash. Of course I only had a twin bed, so I didn’t really think too far ahead in regards to sleeping arrangements. It was decided he would sleep on the sofa.
Before I went off to bed Daniel asked me to sit with him for a moment on the floor of the living room, on a blanket in front of the sofa. He said he wanted to express his appreciation for driving all over the place to get him, letting him stay with me, and for taking him to Atlanta. Now with any other person this would have sounded like a cheap line to get me into bed, and even in my young age I would have recognized it as such. But coming from Daniel, knowing who Daniel was, I knew without a doubt his words were genuine. He truly wanted to show his appreciation. Daniel was 30 years old, though he looked younger. I was only 19. Yet, I never felt then nor do I feel now that he was trying to take advantage of me, on any level.
As we were leaned up against the couch, Daniel gently took me in his arms, and laid me down. As he leaned over on top of me, he was just starting to give me the softest, most intense kiss of my life. Looking into his eyes as he was coming towards me I felt such trust in him, such trust in that moment. My heartbeat felt like a fluttering bird banging against its cage. And then, right as he kissed me…there was a knock on my door. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out who would be knocking on my door so late; it was about 11 PM.
I opened the door and there was Jose. For the first time since I had known him, I wanted Jose to go away and just disappear. I was frustrated that he interrupted such a beautiful moment and annoyed that he had not called first. Jose knew this was the night Daniel was in town, so he had stopped by to see if we wanted to go out clubbing with him. Daniel and I were tired from the drive and we also had to get up early to continue on to Atlanta so we declined his offer to go out. Jose was not there that long, but I think he knew he interrupted something because he jokingly mentioned that we look flustered. Jose left and the moment was ruined. Neither one of us continued where we left off, me because I didn’t know how to proceed and Daniel for reasons of his own. We never brought up that almost moment at all the next day. I drove him to Atlanta and I never saw him again.
Just like that he was gone out of my life. I had tried calling him a couple of times but our phone conversations were brief and far between. At the time I didn’t understand why he abruptly stopped our friendship, especially since we had kept in faithful touch for over a year without any problems. Of course in hindsight I can see that he had finally arrived at his destination and he was probably diving full force into his new life. I am sure he couldn’t be bothered with a guy who had a crush on him hours away. I always have wondered what happened to him. I cared about him deeply and look at him as one of the ones who got away. Sometimes you lose people and I think that loss cannot be blamed on either person, it is just the way life goes.
PS: A year or so ago I reconnected with Daniel and talk to him regularly still. He lived his life in Colorado for many years and just a few months ago he moved back to Atlanta. I last talked to him a couple of weeks ago. I need to text or email him soon.
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