Je suis fatigue


I think one of the worst things about having HIV, for me, is the ever-present fatigue. On some days it hits you so hard that you simply can not overcome it. Most days you can ignore it and pretend and go on with life, scraping up enough energy to get through your work day. But on those days, I come home and crash hard.

On other days, like today, there is no overcoming fatigue. And there does not seem to be an apparent cause, which is frustrating. My stomach has been upset for a few days, leading me to be sick, and I have had "gastrointestinal distress" for about a week. But I have been eating, drinking enough fluids, going to bed at a reasonable hour. Hell, I even had 4 days off. But still...fatigue.

I don't think having fatigue is something many people understand. Some people say you are just being lazy. Others say you are being dramatic. But nobody really knows what it is like, unless they too experience it. Being so tired is not something I have chosen or wish to have. I want to be able to live life to the fullest, scale the highest mountains, and do things like have a functioning social life. I want to be able to achieve things, do things, create things, learn things. I want to not be a slave to my energy. I want to be optimistic and stronger. However, much of that takes a back seat to just trying to find the energy to get dressed in the morning and getting out the door. Or I use up my reserves by doing normal things like cooking dinner and cleaning up the kitchen, leaving laundry to go undone or basic grooming to become optional (thus my scruff, though at least scruff is in vogue, so woohoo).

I see people's pictures on Facebook where they are out with there gangs of friends and family, doing fun things like concerts and hiking and all of that and I am envious of those sorts of things. I want those things too! And maybe seeing that makes me feel damaged, which I am in a way, of course. And then I start to feel shame, shame springing forth from old wounds..."why was I so stupid as to become a drug addict and end up with HIV?!" It always goes back to that, which is stupid and pointless because that's in the past and what's done is done. A person spending too much time on what they could have done in the past forgets that there is a present and a future to tend to. And yet, here I am.

I have had a cold and sinusitis for a month, diarrhea for a week. I expelled a lot of effort and energy cooking for Thanksgiving. I know I am being too hard on myself, or not hard enough; which it is I am unsure of. But right now I am going to sleep.

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