Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

So I am starting up my blog again. I feel like it is the best way to present myself to the world authentically. Social media has become a cesspool of influencers and people who chase clout and clicks and likes and popularity. I have no wish to be involved in any of that rat race, and I have found social media to be lacking in connection or authenticity. I write for myself, mostly. I use writing as a tool to explore myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, my dissapointments. Whether or not that is "viral-worthy" or not, well, I just don't care about that. So welcome, or welcome back. Either way, this is a work in progress, as am I. Have a great day! Here are my cats:

I can not believe it has been so long since I’ve last written! A lot has happened since then and yet...everything seems to remain the same. No, that isn’t really true. I think when change occurs we tend to really only pay attention to that which causes us negative stress. That is, things that we consider to be “bad”. Things that cause us harm or worry. We obsess over it, spend too many resources in worrying about the situation. But sometimes change can be neutral, sometimes it can be good. I believe that anything that occurs that takes us slightly closer to our peaceful place is a good thing. Often good things come in tiny increments so they can go unnoticed and only definable in retrospect. Anyway, I am taking this semester off from college. The university placed me on financial aid suspension because I dropped two classes last fall when I had pneumonia. This setback, however, has made me question whether college is the right place for me. I wanted to go back to prove ...

I have been thinking about mom a lot lately and I don't know why.  I miss her.  I feel her presence sometimes, not in the spiritual sense, but more like in a memory, as if a big what-if is speaking to me from far away.  I wonder if she can hear me too, or if my sadness just goes out into the void.  I find it unfathomable to believe that she is gone, even now, 4 years later. I have had some bouts of self-doubt lately so maybe that is why she is on my mind.  She was always my sounding board, my conscious, my wisdom.  Now that I have to rely on myself things feel tougher than they ever have been before.  I do not have the confidence to rely on myself or on my own judgement.  I am prone to rash decisions and not-good decisions, so I worry all the time 24/7 if I am doing the right thing, if I am doing enough. Going back to school has required much more from me than I ever realized.  The halcyon memories I have of college from the first go aro...

So it has been about 6 weeks since I have last shared anything, not that anyone ever reads these posts, haha.  Anyway, the semester is almost over and I am exhausted.  I have two finals next week and then I am finished for the semester.  It has been a crazy hard semester, not because of the course material but because there has been so many changes and health challenges.  When I got pneumonia it really put me behind and I had to drop some classes.  I felt like a failure for a little while but I eventually got over it.  Things happen, you change course, and then you get back up on the horse and do the best you can.  That is really all anyone can do, right? But at least I am DOING something.  At least I am working towards a goal - to finish school.  I will at least feel proud about that.  I feel proud that I am still going strong with school a year and half after starting this crazy endeavor.  School is the one area in my life th...

So about 2 months ago I went off of my HIV meds.  I had a lapse in insurance coverage and when my coverage was active I simply did not find the time to sit down and get on the phone to get my Stribild prescription moved over to the new specialty pharmacy.  Sadly, it takes a lot of phone calls to get started with a new insurance or pharmacy provider.  Most insurances will not let you pick up your HIV meds at your local CVS or Walgreens; the insurance companies prefer you to go through multiple layers of red tape to obtain your prescription.  I work full-time and, at the time, was in school full-time as well.  I was in school or at work from 8 AM until 8 PM Monday through Friday.  Long story short, I did not make the time to prioritize my health. About 3 weeks ago I began to get sick.  It started as a sneeze, a sore throat, and fatigue.  I chalked it up to bad allergies or a cold and figured I was fatigued because of the heavy school/work load ...

Do you ever wonder why it is we look at ourselves and our world in the way that we do?  I am not sure how or when I became a bitter, angry person.  It seems to correlate though that the worse I feel about myself then the worse I tend to view the world and those around me.  Nothing I do seems to be good or right or pleasurable or long-lasting.  Why is it this way? I can not remember when it was that I last felt good or happy.  I literally can't remember.  Everything feels so strained.  Everything feels like a root canal.  I am not sure I would even know where or how to feel good about life again.  I am not sure how I can get back to feeling good about myself again.  It seems like I am just circling the drain, waiting on that last gurgle before all the water is gone, rushing down the pipes toward the septic tank.  That is my life.  That is what my soul feels like.  Torture.  I feel so far outside of everything that I ...

I think I am having a string of bad luck lately and it is becoming too much to deal with.  I think it is because I have stretched myself too thin, working too many hours at work.  And yet I feel trapped, financially, because I have to work so much in order to pay for everything.  I have the house payment, the cell phone bill, electricity, tuition, food, everything.  I am overwhelmed in every area of my life and I do not see a way out.  If I work less then something goes unpaid.  Cell phones get turned off.  Tuition is late.  If I work too much then I fail at school because I have no time or energy or waking hours with which to study.  It is a no-win situation and I can't see how to fix everything.  I feel cornered or like a bear in one of those bear traps; I understand why animals gnaw off their leg to get out of such a trap.  When you are already in this much pain, gnawing off a part of you is nothing.  And bad things keep s...