Wow! 7 Months Since I Last Posted
I can not believe it has been so long since I’ve last written! A lot has happened since then and yet...everything seems to remain the same. No, that isn’t really true. I think when change occurs we tend to really only pay attention to that which causes us negative stress. That is, things that we consider to be “bad”. Things that cause us harm or worry. We obsess over it, spend too many resources in worrying about the situation.
But sometimes change can be neutral, sometimes it can be good. I believe that anything that occurs that takes us slightly closer to our peaceful place is a good thing. Often good things come in tiny increments so they can go unnoticed and only definable in retrospect.
Anyway, I am taking this semester off from college. The university placed me on financial aid suspension because I dropped two classes last fall when I had pneumonia. This setback, however, has made me question whether college is the right place for me. I wanted to go back to prove to myself that I was intelligent. I have always had an inferiority complex when it comes to my intelligence. I used to often wonder if I was dull, dumb, or even mentally retarded and that people were just too nice not to point it out to me. Sometimes I still feel that way, despite excelling in college.
Now that I have proven to myself that my brain works I can’t help but to question the worth of a college degree in my life. I wanted to work in the field of public health, to somehow get into policy creation in order to fix this broken healthcare system here in the United States. But the amount of advanced education and time that requires is prohibitive, especially at my age. Even if I remained in school, I would be 50 by the time I got my Masters degree. And then I would be competing for jobs and positions with kids half my age who would most likely be willing to do the grunt work at a lower salary. I don’t know that I have that competitiveness such an endeavor would require. I don’t know that I have that many years left to achieve such a goal. And in the current political landscape I don’t even know if such a goal is achievable for anyone. Hell, Hillary couldn’t do it when she was First Lady. Obama could not do it when he was President...so what chance would I have to do it and I am just a nobody middle-aged HIV positive gay man in the South? I just don’t have the energy required to go the long way to getting there. Maybe it is depression, to some degree, or even pessimism. The world seems so hopeless and like we are on a downward spiral towards cultural, political, and actual extinction.
I just want to spend the rest of my years being comfortable and secure. I want to have my routine, live my life, and get by. Leave it to someone with more courage and strength and stamina to fight the good fight. At my age I need my good nights rest, I need security, I need peace. And, for me, achieving that means cutting off the world around me to some degree in whichever way is effective. The older I get the less ability I have to deal with stressors, long nights, tough situations, etc.
I guess I am just tired and that colors my worldview. But I am tired a lot of the time these days. The odd aches and pains pop up more and more each day it seems.
But sometimes change can be neutral, sometimes it can be good. I believe that anything that occurs that takes us slightly closer to our peaceful place is a good thing. Often good things come in tiny increments so they can go unnoticed and only definable in retrospect.
Anyway, I am taking this semester off from college. The university placed me on financial aid suspension because I dropped two classes last fall when I had pneumonia. This setback, however, has made me question whether college is the right place for me. I wanted to go back to prove to myself that I was intelligent. I have always had an inferiority complex when it comes to my intelligence. I used to often wonder if I was dull, dumb, or even mentally retarded and that people were just too nice not to point it out to me. Sometimes I still feel that way, despite excelling in college.
Now that I have proven to myself that my brain works I can’t help but to question the worth of a college degree in my life. I wanted to work in the field of public health, to somehow get into policy creation in order to fix this broken healthcare system here in the United States. But the amount of advanced education and time that requires is prohibitive, especially at my age. Even if I remained in school, I would be 50 by the time I got my Masters degree. And then I would be competing for jobs and positions with kids half my age who would most likely be willing to do the grunt work at a lower salary. I don’t know that I have that competitiveness such an endeavor would require. I don’t know that I have that many years left to achieve such a goal. And in the current political landscape I don’t even know if such a goal is achievable for anyone. Hell, Hillary couldn’t do it when she was First Lady. Obama could not do it when he was President...so what chance would I have to do it and I am just a nobody middle-aged HIV positive gay man in the South? I just don’t have the energy required to go the long way to getting there. Maybe it is depression, to some degree, or even pessimism. The world seems so hopeless and like we are on a downward spiral towards cultural, political, and actual extinction.
I just want to spend the rest of my years being comfortable and secure. I want to have my routine, live my life, and get by. Leave it to someone with more courage and strength and stamina to fight the good fight. At my age I need my good nights rest, I need security, I need peace. And, for me, achieving that means cutting off the world around me to some degree in whichever way is effective. The older I get the less ability I have to deal with stressors, long nights, tough situations, etc.
I guess I am just tired and that colors my worldview. But I am tired a lot of the time these days. The odd aches and pains pop up more and more each day it seems.
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