Over It All

I think I am having a string of bad luck lately and it is becoming too much to deal with.  I think it is because I have stretched myself too thin, working too many hours at work.  And yet I feel trapped, financially, because I have to work so much in order to pay for everything.  I have the house payment, the cell phone bill, electricity, tuition, food, everything.  I am overwhelmed in every area of my life and I do not see a way out.  If I work less then something goes unpaid.  Cell phones get turned off.  Tuition is late.  If I work too much then I fail at school because I have no time or energy or waking hours with which to study.  It is a no-win situation and I can't see how to fix everything.  I feel cornered or like a bear in one of those bear traps; I understand why animals gnaw off their leg to get out of such a trap.  When you are already in this much pain, gnawing off a part of you is nothing. 

And bad things keep stacking up on me.  I got sick; I have been sick for the last 4 or 5 days.  I lost my wallet.  I have been stressed out.  I have been still working even though I probably needed rest to get over this sickness.  And yet I must go to work to earn money to live, to eat, to do anything.  I am so tired. I should be reading and studying for my psychology test next week but I am so upset and tired and just want it all to end.  I can not focus.  I can not see anything.  I don't see anything redeeming in life, outside of my Kitty, who is sitting next to me.  But Kitty can't help me.  I am not sure what could help me, outside of winning the lottery. 

How have I made yet another bad decision?  How have I cornered myself in such a way where everything around me is crashing?  I feel like a failure.  I feel weak.  I see no way out.  I do not see and end to anything, and yet an end is what would fix everything.  Well, not fix it but then it wouldn't matter anymore.  I don't know what is happening anymore.  I don't know what is due one day for the next.  The holes in the boat are getting bigger and more water is coming in, faster and faster, more things are falling through the cracks and I can't tread water much longer.

I don't understand how the last two semesters were so much easier and this one is kicking my ass?  I am not sure at which point it all went wrong.  I am unsure of which original bad decision has lead to this calamity. 

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