Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

I think if I had the chance to do so I would very much go back in time to change some of the choices I have made.  I know it is not very Buddhist of me to look backwards, yet I can't help but to do so right now.  You see, I am experiencing a great deal of upheaval and change in my life right now, most of which is out of my control.  I am not able to make things better for my mom, who is very ill.  I am not able to extricate myself from a less-than-deal relationship due to the dependency I have on him. So, of course that leads me to thinking about all the things I could change or could have changed.  Of course, life looking backwards is always through a 20/20 lens so therein lies the crux, the paradox. I moved back home to Knoxville in order to be closer to mom.  Even before I moved back here in 2007 I could see that her health was beginning to decline.  I knew that rough waters were ahead.  But not much happened aside from her major heart surg...

I FINALLY am back on my meds!!  Keep your fingers crossed that I get my meds without a headache next month.

I just received a letter from Express Scripts/Accredo that says "We are unable to dispense your prescription due to the reason below: the medication (Stribild) is not covered under the home delivery portion of your prescription plan".  I have ordered this prescription in the past and had it delivered to my home. Here is what I wrote in an email to Anthem BCBS: I am unsure of why I received a letter and not a phone call as I told both the reps at Accredo (I spoke with two different ones on two different days) that I am out of my meds and I need my order to be processed quickly.  I would think that a phone call would be much faster than a letter. I have emailed you guys before on this same exact issue: how unorganized it is to obtain my meds from Accredo. What can you do to facilitate this process so that I can get my medication? I gave all of my copay assistance information and my Ryan White information to both of the reps I spoke with, but I am giving it to you so t...

The worry that I feel about being off of my meds is mounting.  Every day I feel a cough or congestion or a swollen lymph node and I can't help but imagine the worse.  I can not help but to imaging the HIV growing and multiplying inside of me exponentially.  Understanding the growth rate of HIV, that it multiplies so quickly, makes me feel overwhelmed. Getting back on my meds is starting to feel like an impossible dream.  Trying to convince so many different entities to cooperate and talk to each other is becoming prohibitively exhausting.  I got approved for Ryan White.  I called my pharmacy insurance company to give them my Ryan White information.  The representative at Accredo (the specialty pharmacy that my insurance, Anthem BCBS, requires that I obtain my HIV meds) had no clue what I was talking about when I tried to explain Ryan White to her.  She did take down all of my information and is having my insurance information verified.  Gre...

I found out yesterday that I have been approved for Ryan White!  That means any day now I will receive my ID card, which will enable me to order my meds.  Being the pessimistic person that I tend to be means I will not be truly comfortable or relieved until my meds are in my hand (or more accurately, in my stomach).  I plan on asking my doctor if I can go back to my twice-a-day regimen of Truvada/Isentress though.  I feel like I am having too many unpleasant side effects on the Stribild that I have been taking. It has been a rough couple of months being off my meds.  My fatigue is as bad, but I had fatigue when I was on my meds, so that is not so different from before.  But, I have felt more sick being off my meds.  Just today I noticed that my MRSA infection has returned.  That has caused one of the lymph nodes in my hip to swell up and cause a great deal of pain, so I found out when I leaned up against my kitchen counter.  Ouch!  Ver...

Every day I am more tired than the day before.  And yet, I can not become sleepy at a reasonable time.  I lay in my bed with the vague notion that I SHOULD be in bed, but then I stay up reading.  It is as if I am incapable of doing what is rational and necessary, as in going to bed at a decent hour. I am not sure how much of my exhaustion is due to being off my meds or due to my crappy sleep patterns.  I truly believe most of it is due to the meds, because I feel the same exact way even if I have had several nights of good, long sleep.  On the weekends I feel the same way. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night.  I moved into the spare bedroom so that I can sleep with the ceiling fan and the box fan on.  I have to have a fan of some sort on in the spring or summer so that my night sweats don’t get out of control.  When I got up to go to the other room, I barely had the strength to pick up and carry my pillows, and I stumbled into t...

I am starting to feel the effects of being off meds. Before I started on meds back in 2009, HIV presented itself to me in a myriad of skin issues.  Of course I had the typical fatigue and exhaustion, but mostly I had skin issues - boils, MRSA infections, pimples that turned into boils.  It was to such a degree that I never wanted to go out in public.  I had to work to live, so I did go out in public, but only to work.  I never wanted to be social because I felt so uncomfortable and disfigured. Once I went on meds these issues cleared up in their own.  I had previously been on at least 30 rounds of various antibiotics in order to combat my skin dillemas.  I would take a round of antibiotics, usually Bactrim, and my MRSA/etc would go away for 2-3 weeks.  Just when I thought it was gone for good, it would come back like a bad ex boyfriend. Now...I have had two skin eruptions this week, both of which feel like a big scarlet HIV on my face and nec...