Good News

I found out yesterday that I have been approved for Ryan White!  That means any day now I will receive my ID card, which will enable me to order my meds.  Being the pessimistic person that I tend to be means I will not be truly comfortable or relieved until my meds are in my hand (or more accurately, in my stomach).  I plan on asking my doctor if I can go back to my twice-a-day regimen of Truvada/Isentress though.  I feel like I am having too many unpleasant side effects on the Stribild that I have been taking.

It has been a rough couple of months being off my meds.  My fatigue is as bad, but I had fatigue when I was on my meds, so that is not so different from before.  But, I have felt more sick being off my meds.  Just today I noticed that my MRSA infection has returned.  That has caused one of the lymph nodes in my hip to swell up and cause a great deal of pain, so I found out when I leaned up against my kitchen counter.  Ouch!  Very ouch.

Mentally, I have felt very much like giving up.  There has been a strong feeling of apathy that has embraced me.  I have not been able to shake it.  I have been dwelling alot lately about death and dying, and why it would be so much easier just to give up on the meds and just fade away into the sunset.  It has been as much of a struggle to obtain and remain on my meds should be necessary.  It has taken a lot out of me.  Even now as I write this, the thought of spending hours on the phone again to order my meds makes me just wanna turn away from the ordeal.

Oh, I know I will call and order my meds.  I know I will continue to fight to stay n them.  I know I won't truly or fully give up.  But I want to.  I want to just put my head in the sand and pretend that I do not have HIV.  Being off my medication has given me this false sense of blessed illusion.  Taking my pills was/is a daily reminder that I have HIV.  Taking two months off from this reminder has been like succumbing to the siren call of denial that has been comforting.

People usually take illicit drugs in order to forget, yet for myself, being off the meds is what has made me forget.  Now that I will be going back on meds, I feel like I am getting back into a marathon after a brief rest.  I guess I have to just take a deep breath and get back in the race, the race that does not have a finish line.



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