Breakdown or Mid-Life Crisis?

Today was not such a bad day.  It was cold and wet, an annoying kind of misty precipitation that was more penetrating than a full on rainfall would have been.  The mist seeped through my clothes, through my pores and straight into the core of me.  I felt cold from the outside in and all points in between.

It is bizarre how easily it is for me to talk to guys on the other side of this planet it than it is to talk to people in my everyday world.  It seems as though the closer to my real life people are, the harder it is for me to relate or talk to them.  Have I completely lost my trust in people to such a degree that I won’t let anyone in who can do me true real-world immediate harm?  I think that is what is happening.  I feel as though there is a tiny black hole in my core that is slowly sucking the essence of myself into it...my joy, my humanity, my ability to feel...all if it feels like it is being snuffed out.  It feels inevitable, as impossible to reverse as it would be to reel in light from the abyss.  
I do not know what is wrong with me.  I feel like I am wanting to cry.  I feel like I want to scream.  I feel like I want to get on an airplane and fly to the ends of the earth to get away from the reality of my life.  There is nothing redeeming in my life, nothing of value, nothing of substance.  I feel like I am looking though a smoky room into a blurry mirror when it comes to seeing my life for what it is.  Nothing is clear cut or obvious.  Nothing really makes sense.  I can not even find the right words to describe this affliction of the soul, this agony of motion and feeling and existing.  
Maybe I am just being melodramatic, maybe I am just restless and itching for a drastic change in things, all things.  I just do not know how this change should or would be like or how to go about it, even assuming I know what it is that I would start changing first.  
I hate the bitchy women I work with.  I feel myself turning misogynistic and I hate that because I do not like being bitter towards almost an entire gender.  I am silly, I should not let the bitchiness of 10 or 12 women speak for the entire XX chromosome.  
I hate how things are with Travis.  I hate this dependency I feel towards him.  I hate feeling like I would not survive on my own...not just lessen the degree of my “lifestyle” but actually living.  I fear being on my own...what if I get sick?  What if I get laid off, fired?  What happens then?  I would be in a catastrophic situation.  The last time I lived alone I was in a desperate place in life.  I had just been diagnosed with HIV, my car exploded, I had no transportation and I lived out in the country.  I did not even have enough money for food.  That was such an intolerably miserable time in my life and I fear that what would happen if I were on my own.  Such a life is intrinsically intolerable to me.  I would rather die than go hungry again.
I wish I knew what to do.

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