OMG, I am 39, the Last Year of My 30s!

It dawned on me today as I was sitting on the porcelain throne (I do my best thinking on my Throne) that I am 39.  I do not know why this realization had not hit me before now, especially on my birthday.  I guess on my birthday, I was more worried about bigger things (I had just found out on my 30th birthday that my partner had been sleeping with this young 20-something).  And after my birthday there is a huge rush of holiday preparations to deal with...first Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, and then New Years.  There really was not much time for ruminations beyond the daily mundane crap.
Since my birthday, there was also the announcement at work that we had been bought out by another company, so there was a merger to be completed.  Of course when one hears the word “merger” or “takeover” then “layoffs” is not far behind.  In January, yup, they announced they would be laying off about 50% of our office.  It was also announced that we would know our individual fates by February 28th.   I truly had no emotional investment either way.  Part of me was looking forward to being laid off so that I could take a good month off to recharge and decompress from things.  
I have been kept on by The Company.  I chose not to take voluntary layoff, as was offered to everyone.  As much as I WANTED a vacation, I wanted the security of a steady paycheck much more.  I could not willingly enter the world of the unemployment if it was in my means to keep that from happening.  So, I interviewed, said all the right things, smiled like I was the happiest person in the world and accepted the positioned offered in the new company.  In the end, I had to make the right decision for me, and I am very comfortable with my choice.
So..back to being 39.  I realized I have one year left in my 30’s.  Granted, I understand time is subjective and arbitrary, so to assign any great deal of importance to something so arbitrary could be considered silly, I guess.  However, I see this last year as a challenge to myself.  I was inspired from watching the Today show this morning.  (The Saturday version of the Today show is truly some of the best programming on TV these days!)  
Jenna Wolfe had piece on the show this morning called Jenna’s 30-day Challenge.  I adore Jenna Wolfe, she is one of my favorite lesbians, and she is hilarious.  Anyway, so I was watching her Challenge and I was inspired.  It turned me on that the changes she was imploring us to make were incremental changes, and she said “this is a marathon, not a sprint” so the changes and improvements we will see will be of the long-term variety.  It was refreshing to see someone tell it like it is in regards to health and weight loss.  SO MANY fad diets and workouts stress fast gains, fast weight loss...and yet they never tell you how fast that weight goes back on when you stop doing the fad diet/workout.  
By my 40th birthday in November I plan on having transformed myself into a new person, inside and out.  I will get back to my happy weight of 155-160 pounds.  I will get back in to my size 32 pants.  My health will be much better.  No more stress-induced anxiety, no more racing heartbeats, no more constant stomach pain.  My decisions will be based on what will help my grow, what will make me become healthier, what will bring me more peace.  
For some reason, I am not afraid of the future anymore.  I always live within a bubble of anxiety that is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Like Chicken Little, every time I looked up it seemed as if the sky was falling.  I wrestled with every action, decision, event, or idea until I was mentally exhausted...never having came to a comfortable decision on much of anything.  Decisions based upon fear rarely ever turn out to be the best decisions.  I am going to work on making better decisions and work on becoming confident and comfortable with the choices that I make.  I am going to try my best not to second-guess myself ad nauseam.  I will rely on my gut as much as my heart.  Thus far, my heart has gotten me nowhere fast.  Neither has cold, Spock-like decisions.  Surely there is a middle path that merges the heart and the mind.  I just have to dig through the weeds to make the path more visible.

And all of this by November!  Wish me luck.

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