Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

So on Monday I get to register for classes at UTK! I am excited and nervous, but for no tangible reason really. I know I will do well. I know I am going back to school for the right reasons. I know I will not be distracted by "college life" like I was the first time around. I know I will succeed. I guess what makes me nervous is that by registering for classes my dream and hope will become a reality. Going back to college for my degree will move from the ethereal to the real. In a database somewhere in the sprawling campus there will be a series of ones and zeroes which will translate into a class schedule. Soon after that there will be financial aid. And then the summer will flash by in an instant and suddenly it will be August. I will join the other 27,800+ students there. I will be a Vol, again. I will wear orange on game day. I will get lost on campus. I will feel old. I will feel alive. I will study my ass off. I will write amazing papers and earn exc...

So Prince died today. Slowly but surely a piece of my childhood and youth are dying. First mom, then a long list of actors and singers that meant so much to me growing up. Mom went to see Purple Rain when it came out and she brought home the little purple record of the song, Purple Rain. It was a beautiful lavender vinyl album, so original, so ahead of it's time and different than anything else out there back then. Right after I graduated high school, or during high school (I forget exactly when, because, well, old age) I remember listening to 7 over and over again as I drove to and from work and school and hanging out with my friends. "All 7 and we'll watch them fall..." It was such an awesome song. Driving around, listening to Prince, with the windows down, blasting music. Life was so good and liberating then. And on New Years 1999 I remember being at Alan Golds listening to that sound as we danced and counted down to the year 2000. Me and John kissed...

People often say HIV is not a death sentence anymore but that is a lie. The crap you deal with is a life sentence; the sickness, the worry, the frustration at your body's betrayal, the limitations, the lack of energy, the constant struggle to procure HIV medications. None of that ever goes away no matter how "well treated" one's HIV becomes. It never seems to end. It is literally one thing after the other. I have not had a chance to get over an illness before another sickness moves in. First it started out as a nasty cold and then turned into a two-month long adventure into bronchitis. I was well for a week when I was on antibiotics for a dental abscess. And then I got a stomach bug. Just as it started to go away for a week or so another bug has gotten a hold of me. I have had diarrhea for almost a week now. And now my stomach is bloated and distended and extremely painful. I have no idea if this is related to my HIV or not, but I don't see HIV- p...

I do not think I will ever get over the death of my mom. It will be 2 years in June and yet I find myself still missing her just like it happened yesterday. I still feel adrift and lost and alone. Nothing in the world can replace the love of a parent, nothing. Anything else than that is really just a cheap imitation. I want to lie in the cold bathroom floor and cry. I want to be angry; I am so angry! Having no direction for anger or resolution for that anger is the worst torture of all. Who do I curse? Who do I yell at? I don’t believe in God, so that is out. What do I do? What do I do? The only thing that has given me a focus or purpose since mom died is being accepted back into college. It has been 20 years since I was last in school and finally I am going back to finish my education. That felt empowering. It feels exciting. It gives me a goal to work towards. Finally I have a purpose in my life, something bigger than the pale imitation of life that I have been l...

People criticize me for coming from a place of loudness, a place of agitation, a place of TMI, and that is ok. It is not my responsibility to make people feel comfortable. I have never nor will I ever act or fail to act out of concern of what other people think. I do me, for me, and for some other cause. I stopped caring or worrying about what people thought of me back in high school. But that is an entirely different conversation to be had, I’m sure. I am not a Puritan. I am less like Ghandi and Oprah and more like Beyonce with her fist in the air. I identify more with anger and justice than I do in peace and harmony. I feel like it is important to speak out and take actions rather than be approach life with a passive nature. Passive is posting feel-good memes on your Facebook page and truly believing you are helping the world. But to me, hashtags, memes, online petitions are lazy and ineffective in sparking change. You change when you want to change. You put your ide...

I am listening to love songs on my headphones. Google Play Music has this little button you can hit called "I'm Feeling Lucky" and if you hit that button then Google creates a playlist based on all of your music, your likes, your dislikes, etc. Today Google decided I needed sassy and sad (though not within the same song, thank god) love songs. It is ironic because I sometimes find myself curious about love. It has been so long since I have felt love from someone or towards someone that I've almost forgotten what it feels like. Does love feel warm? Does it feel safe? Does it ripen the hope of possibilities inside you? Does it terrify you? I simply can not remember. It is maddening to try to grasp a memory of something. It is probably easier to grab a handful of a cloud. I have only been in love twice in my life, once with a female and later on, with a male. It has been over a decade since I was last in love. "But wait, what about the relationships...

Well today is the first day I have started feeling like I am getting better. Of course I am; I have a doctor's appointment Monday morning. Murphy's Law I guess. But I will gladly accept getting better in exchange for what I have felt the last two weeks. I opened the window in my bedroom to feel the breeze come through. My bedroom has been feeling a bit stale and stuffy. Kitty is definitely enjoying the window and breeze as well. Soon I will even have my voice back and I will be able to sing to the world again, though that is probably a torture the world can do without! I got my lab results back the other day. My t-cells have went up to 822, up from 620. I am still undetectable. Seeing my lab results was reassuring because I was worried about having been off my meds for a week (again) and worried the bronchitis had depressed my immune system. I still worry this off and on manner in which I have been forced into these last couple of years will eventually lead to tr...