Love?


I am listening to love songs on my headphones. Google Play Music has this little button you can hit called "I'm Feeling Lucky" and if you hit that button then Google creates a playlist based on all of your music, your likes, your dislikes, etc. Today Google decided I needed sassy and sad (though not within the same song, thank god) love songs.

It is ironic because I sometimes find myself curious about love. It has been so long since I have felt love from someone or towards someone that I've almost forgotten what it feels like. Does love feel warm? Does it feel safe? Does it ripen the hope of possibilities inside you? Does it terrify you? I simply can not remember. It is maddening to try to grasp a memory of something. It is probably easier to grab a handful of a cloud.

I have only been in love twice in my life, once with a female and later on, with a male. It has been over a decade since I was last in love. "But wait, what about the relationships you have had in the last ten years?" Yeah, sometimes people get involved in a relationship for reasons other than love. Not because you are using them but because people fulfill different needs at different times; and that what felt like love turned out not to be love at all! It is much easier to be in love with wanting to be in love than it is to do the work actual love requires.

(And now Ke$ha is playing...she has a lot of wise things to say about love.)

Valentine's Day is in 8 days. Woohoo. Not. Maybe I will get Kitty something nice, like a dead mouse or something. Nothing says love like a dead rodent, right?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What Stigma Means To Me

Like an onion, there are many layers to HIV-related stigma.  Stigma can be internalized to oneself, or it can manifest outward.  Like an interstate, stigma can also move in both directions at the same time.  Consequences to stigma can impact a person, a relationship, or a community.  Like an elevator, stigma can move up and down the age scale.   The impact of stigma can have physical, emotional, and social effects to both HIV- and HIV+ men.  It seems to me there is a growing and widening divide between HIV+ and HIV- men.  Like an infection, it seems to be only getting worse.   I find myself being a part of the very stigma I detest, I have become an oxymoron and my behavior has become hypocritical of what I know to be right.   I would much rather become friends with someone with HIV than someone without it.  But...for me friendships with HIV- men too often become mentally exhausting; I get tired of the endless HIV-related...
Read more

Hello, Again!

Image
So I am starting up my blog again. I feel like it is the best way to present myself to the world authentically. Social media has become a cesspool of influencers and people who chase clout and clicks and likes and popularity. I have no wish to be involved in any of that rat race, and I have found social media to be lacking in connection or authenticity. I write for myself, mostly. I use writing as a tool to explore myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, my dissapointments. Whether or not that is "viral-worthy" or not, well, I just don't care about that. So welcome, or welcome back. Either way, this is a work in progress, as am I. Have a great day! Here are my cats:
Read more

What Domestic Violence Did To Me

There was a time when I was happy, healthy, whole, and fun-loving. Before domestic abuse, I had hope. Even during the hardest times, even while living with HIV, I believed there would always be a brighter day ahead. Fifteen years of abuse left me a shell of who I once was, and I grieve that person every day. Undoing the damage and conditioning he inflicted has been incredibly difficult. I tried to numb the pain through drug use, but that only created another problem. I am now in intensive outpatient therapy for CPTSD and addiction, and it is helping. I highly encourage IOP to anyone who can access it.   For 15 years, I minimized what was happening. The abuse was a gradual process of grooming and control. Before I realized it, I was financially trapped with someone who monitored and controlled nearly every part of my life. He followed me to work, put up cameras in the house and outside the house. After my parents died, that trap felt inescapable.  Eventually, the ab...
Read more