Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

I don't want to live anymore.  Yet, I am not suicidal.  I don't have the drive or balls to actually kill myself, but if a speeding car was hurtling towards me as I crossed a road, I'm not sure I would get out of the way.  Nothing makes sense anymore.  I lost my mom, I was laid off from my job.  I'm mad, hurt, bitter, hopeless and tired.  I am not strong enough to be in the lives of anyone because I'm so down.  Intellectually I know I should show compassion to my family and reach out to be a better brother and son and uncle but I can't reach past the dark well that I'm trapped in.  I know I should be aggressively searching for a job but I can't move.  I can't breathe.  I can barely shower every few days.  I don't shave anymore.  Sometimes I remember I brush my teeth, but not for days at a time.  Anxiety and despair has me crippled up in a tight knot.  I can't focus. If I'm reading a book, I switch to playing a game o...

So today I turned 40. It was the first birthday without my mom. It was not as hard as I thought, though I believe that is because I am burying so many of my emotions. I have become an expert at avoidance. It pains me to confront things, even things inside of me. I know it is probably healthy, but it is what it is. I do not have the time or space or resources to dig deep and deal with things. Now I have Thanksgiving coming up in a couple of weeks. Last year on Thanksgiving me and mom and Michael went to Cracker Barrel. And then later that night we went to Staples so I could wait in line to but my Chromebook. Even towards the end she sacrificed things for my happiness.

I swear if I hear “HIV is no longer a death sentence” one more time I will end up screaming. Our HIV prevention strategies targeting young gay men are failing. The prevailing belief is that you just pop a pill once a day and life goes on...but it is so much more complicated than that. HIV can degrade the mind and spirit of a person just as much, if not more so, than it does the physical immune system. Death is not the only result of HIV, it is simply the final result if it is diagnosed late and managed poorly, as is the situation for many people. HIV and the risky behavior that can cause it’s transmission does not happen in a vacuum. Contracting HIV is the end result of a domino effect of mental, societal, and psychosocial factors that when taken together can put one in a position of great vulnerability. It is unrealistic to think the solution to transmission is “just wear a condom” or “go on PreP”. Neither of these have been successful or widely accepted “solutions”. They ...

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In the gay community the value placed on perceptions is often too high. Before I contracted HIV, I had some pretty awful preconceptions about dating someone with HIV. I would be afraid to even become friends with someone with HIV, because the gossip would inevitably lead to people thinking I too had HIV - “guilt” by association. That’s if HIV was ever even talked about, because most people did not talk about it. HIV was a buzzkill, a subject to be avoided. It was much easier and polite (and dangerous) to keep your head in the sand than to discuss HIV. Take a few minutes to look at the profiles on Grindr. Almost every picture is of hairless muscled guys, too ashamed to show their face, but so vapid and vain that they show you everything else. Profiles routinely state “I only like young, clean (meaning HIV-) white guys. Just my preference”. At what point did the gay community move from a place of inclusion to a place of abs and arms? At what point did being white, ...

I miss you like crazy. It still blows my mind and breaks me into so many small pieces knowing you are gone. I have tried to talk to you but nothing comes out. It feels like a poor facsimile of communication to try and have a one-sided conversation with you. I know people always tell me to talk to you and that you will hear me, but it's just not the same. For so many years , you were the only thing that kept me going, that kept me putting one foot in front of the other. So many times over the years I wanted to give up: because of my heart breaking when I left John, because of my meth addiction, because of my HIV diagnosis...so many times I thought it was the end of me and you always showed me and convinced me I had so much to live for. I believed you. I shook off all the self-pity and kept going. I do not think I can shake this off. Losing you is more than I can bear. It feels like a tsunami has overwhelmed me and I am drowning. I try to get back into my life and...

Triumphs II by Karl William Lund