In the gay community the value placed on perceptions is often too high. Before I contracted HIV, I had some pretty awful preconceptions about dating someone with HIV. I would be afraid to even become friends with someone with HIV, because the gossip would inevitably lead to people thinking I too had HIV - “guilt” by association. That’s if HIV was ever even talked about, because most people did not talk about it. HIV was a buzzkill, a subject to be avoided. It was much easier and polite (and dangerous) to keep your head in the sand than to discuss HIV. Take a few minutes to look at the profiles on Grindr. Almost every picture is of hairless muscled guys, too ashamed to show their face, but so vapid and vain that they show you everything else. Profiles routinely state “I only like young, clean (meaning HIV-) white guys. Just my preference”. At what point did the gay community move from a place of inclusion to a place of abs and arms? At what point did being white, young, muscled and HIV- become a prize, the standard by which all others are excluded? A good gay wears Prada, a good gay has his hair exactly like the other gays, a good gay must drive the right car (and heaven forbid if you don’t drive at all!), a good gay must go to the gym, a good gay must have tons of disposable income. At a time in our history where LGBTs are making huge gains in acceptance, within our very own community it feels as though we are moving backwards. We may now be able to marry each other, but only if you fit a certain type does anyone actually want to marry you. Having a long list of standards and qualities one must fit makes for a very, very short list. And then I often hear guys crying that they can’t find anyone! It is impossible for anyone to meet the standards of a mile-long list. And when you add HIV to the mix, things become even more unnecessarily complex. One belief that has always made me curious is when a person tells you how cool and open-minded they are towards a person with HIV and then in the very next sentence they say they couldn’t ever date someone with HIV. I can’t help but to think that such a viewpoint goes back to the stereotypical vapidness and shallowness that haunts the gay community. It is like an adult version of of the game we played as children, where we believed if we closed our eyes we then became invisible to everyone. That game didn’t work as children and it certainly isn’t working as adults. 50,000 new HIV infections per year shows that to be true. I believe that by devaluing someone with HIV (or who is fat, not white, etc), it subconsciously reinforces the the notion within the HIV-negative person that they are better for having dodged a bullet. It is a subtle means by which they put themselves up on a pedestal. A community of people on a pedestal creates a sad fracturing for everyone in a community. It creates the haves and have-nots out of people. I believe people who have a visceral negative reaction to those outside of the gay “standard” are often at odds with feelings in themselves.
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