Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

Today is the last day of the year and I am very glad for that.  To day 2013 has been a challenge would be a gross understatement.  So much has happened this year, much of it bad!  The start of 2013 saw me in a job under managers whom I hated more than I have ever hated anyone.  My position at Tennova was abusive on so many levels.  And yet...I needed the job because I needed the money.  I could not afford to be idealistic and tell them how horrible they truly were, so I swallowed my anger.   I was suicidal because of that job.  Very shortly after Mindy McReady killed herself I almost killed myself.  No, I was not pondering whether or not I was going to do it...I truly was at the point where I was ready to do it.  I was sitting in our master bathtub one night, listening to her song over and over and I just cried so hard.  I never felt so empty and alone and in need of a kind word in my life.  My hopelesness was deeper than ...

In many times in life, it is inevitable that one will have friction with someone.  Often, circumstances force one in contact with an unsavory character far longer than is healthy.  It can be difficult to determine if these unsavory folk are crazy (clinically so) or if they are just an asshole (a decidedly non clinical diagnosis).    It has been said that the definition of lunacy is engaging in the same behaviors and expecting different results.  But, what if the crazy is not you, but in the other person?  Psychosis is defined as a sense that reality becomes distorted, making it very difficult for the afflicted to tell what is real or what is not real.  I am not talking about self-doubt, or the normal run-of-the-mill doubts a person has over what choices to make, what direction to go in, or how to proceed.  I am talking about the dead certainty that believing something is real that is definitely not real.   For example, encountering a...

Today was a great day!  I was able to sleep in until 8:30 or so, which is late for me.  I got up and got my laundry started, finished the dishes, and then ate a little breakfast.  Then, I got busy with my new big-screen HD TV.  I decided to start watching The Good Wife from the start.  I had caught the latest episode at Mom’s house and really liked it!  Now I want to go back and start the series from the beginning so I know what is going on.  Juliana Marguilles is an amazing actress!  I watched 5 episodes before I decided to finish up the laundry.   I am glad the end of the year is coming soon.  I am so ready for this year to end and a new one to begin.  This year has been a roller coaster of toxicness on so many levels.  I will be glad to start off the new year with a renewed sense of what is important.  Above all, my health and sanity will be my highest priorities.  I am going to focus on me and what I need to b...

Lately I have been listening, really listening, to the song Brave by Sara Bareilles.  It is a catchy tune, and easy to get stuck in your head because it has a great hook and a consistent bass line.  But underneath (or on top of, depending if your glass is half full or half empty) the musicality lies words which impart exactly what the title promises.   In life there are many, many obstacles, more than a person could ever deal with at one time.  Thankfully, life never gives us more than we are able to handle, so it is great how it all works out in time.  At the time nothing seems like it will ever resolve, but somehow it always does, even at the last moment, just as you are starting to give up on hope. One of the greatest lines I love in Brave is “you can be...the backlash of somebody’s lack of love...or you can start speaking up”.  She talks about how nothing hurts worse than when words settle under your skin, never having been voiced, words that are...

Today has been quite the emotional roller coaster. Word reached Those Who Shall Not Be Named that I have been writing about them and their evil ways. Of course, I am not surprised as I have both blogged about them and written about them on Facebook; it was only a matter of time before some Judas ran to tattle to them about me, haha. I find it utterly ironic how they both blather on and on AND ON AND ON about how perfect and advanced this child is, or how bucolic and perfect their lives appear to be, but God forbid you challenge that cloak of lies, then all hell breaks loose! Even other people mock their “look how perfect of a wife/mother/father we are” posts, so I know it is not just my own observation which has came to the same conclusion. I guess it IS social media, so of course one paints only the prettiest of pictures on their own canvas, nevermind the ugliness lurking underneath all the pretty paint colors. Let’s not ever talk about the ugliness, because such a truth shoul...

This holiday season has been a mixed bags of blessings and sadness.  On one hand I have been able to financially provide really good gifts to my parents for a change, but on the other hand, well...there is the realization that time is short and life can slow down and change so relatively quickly.  My mom's health has been terrible this past year.  She has been in the hospital dealing with pneumonia and she never really recovered from that.  Now she is on oxygen, and she is dependent upon that oxygen.  And she has been sick, again, lately, and can barely even get around the house.  She is really bad off physically. Added to that is Ken and Barbara's betrayal and abandonment.  Their presence and assistance in helping with mom and her health issues has always been tenuous at best, but at the very least he has been a source of feedback and direction in the rare times I have needed someone to listen and help. At first I was angry at the way my brother a...

Today is World AIDS Day and I am sure people may get tired of seeing me post this or that about HIV/AIDS...but the only reason I do post so much stuff about it is because I care about each and every one of you.  I do not want anyone to contract HIV (or anything else for that matter), not because HIV is "bad" or "morally wrong" or "dirty" but because my goal and hope is that at some point in the very near future we will live in a world where there are zero new infections.  For a lot of people, like myself, living with HIV is a daily struggle. Not in terms of health, necessarily, but in terms of impact. In the roller coaster that is health care these days, one is never ever guaranteed consistent access to HIV medicine. And sadly, because of several such barriers, only about 25% of those with HIV ever achieve treatment success while on medicine.  There is so so much stigma that surrounds the idea and experience of HIV, that it is very easy to sweep any such t...