What Stigma Means To Me

Like an onion, there are many layers to HIV-related stigma.  Stigma can be internalized to oneself, or it can manifest outward.  Like an interstate, stigma can also move in both directions at the same time.  Consequences to stigma can impact a person, a relationship, or a community.  Like an elevator, stigma can move up and down the age scale.   The impact of stigma can have physical, emotional, and social effects to both HIV- and HIV+ men.  It seems to me there is a growing and widening divide between HIV+ and HIV- men.  Like an infection, it seems to be only getting worse.  

I find myself being a part of the very stigma I detest, I have become an oxymoron and my behavior has become hypocritical of what I know to be right.   I would much rather become friends with someone with HIV than someone without it.  But...for me friendships with HIV- men too often become mentally exhausting; I get tired of the endless HIV-related questions, the answers to which they should already know or could easily Google:

“Can I get HIV from sucking dick?  Can I get HIV from kissing?  Are you going to die?”

Ignorance and laziness are two qualities I detest.  I don’t believe an HIV- person should only become concerned about finding the answers to such questions only after meeting someone who has HIV.  I feel like someone without HIV just doesn’t get it”.  And yet...I feel a separate yet equal responsibility to share my knowledge when such questions are asked.  I feel frustrated and yet worried, that if I do not answer their questions then they might not ever take the time to find out otherwise, and thus by giving into my frustration I could very well be allowing them to live in dangerous ignorance.

In my experience, the one way to drop a grenade on potential platonic gay friendship is to disclose your HIV status.  All the sudden the fear of guilt by association comes into play.  I believe HIV- guys fear others will think they themselves are HIV+ just by being friends with or dating someone with HIV.  Both HIV-positive and HIV-negative men screen prospective social or sexual partners for compatibility, either in a platonic or sexual sense.  Disclosure of HIV within the gay community begins the process of “AIDS apartheid”.  

When I was first diagnosed with HIV, I tried to remain within the social scene.  I went to the club, I went to dinner with the gay boys, I did the whole shmooze and social climbing as everyone else.  But too often I became known as “the guy with AIDS”.  Walking into a club or into any gathering with other gay guys, I can tell instantly if they had been gossiping about me.  One glance from them and I knew they knew about my HIV and always there was a flicker of panic as I approached the herd of HIV- guys.  Or the inevitable and too often repeated reaction to my disclosure - “Oh, I will be right back!”, only to see them in a little while, avoiding you like the plague (pun intended).

One can only tolerate or handle such subtle ostracizing before you throw your hands up and ask yourself why you keep putting yourself into a situation where you are shunned and unwanted.

I often wonder why gay guys perpetuate the very type of stigma and social sorting that we have been victim to by the population at large.  One would think that based on stigma from heterosexuals and/or right-wing conservative and/or religious institutions, that gay men would be more empathetic to such stigma.  One would think they would be the first ones to offer support, friendship, or a shoulder when they learn of their fellow brother’s HIV diagnosis.

Yet, there still exists a divide within the gay community by which HIV- gay men either explicitly or implicitly blame us with HIV, who still choose to see us as dirty.  A glance at any gay hook-up or gay dating website will show you how very frequently one states their desire for a “clean”, i.e. HIV-, person...implying those who are not HIV- are dirty and damaged.

After repeated rejections, no matter how polite the rejections are presented, one begins to realize the hurt of rejection can be avoided simply by withdrawing from the gay world, as it appears there is no room for HIV+ people within the general gay culture.

And even within the HIV+ gay male community there still exists stigma based on age.  It seems as though the ageism that is present in the gay male population at large (i.e. HIV- men) has bled into the HIV+ community.  A recent blog post by an under-30 HIV+ person took offense and aim at men who became HIV+ in the early years of the epidemic.  This young person basically took the position that older gay men with HIV are a real bummer.   He stated that they offend him because he felt as though older HIV+ men were too preachy and he devalued their experience by saying it was time to stop focusing on death.  The generational divide was especially confusing to me, someone whose age falls between twinky gays and older gays.

Stigma even comes from within.  The very worst stigma I experience is the stigma I throw at myself.  I have gained weight since my diagnosis and since I have quit smoking...I weigh more now than I ever have in my life and when I look down at my swollen stomach, I feel such a very distinct and visible disconnect from gay culture.  I am the opposite of a mirror image of the physical being I used to be, back before I contracted HIV, back when I was still attractive and could still seduce a man.  The degradation of my physicality has a direct impact on me socially and emotionally.  I never want to go where there are other gay guys.  To see them in their teensy tiny v-necked t-shirts and their super skinny jeans would only serve as a reminder of who I am not.  My social life since HIV is a textbook example of avoidant strategies.  In my current relationship I do not ever want to be intimate with my partner out of self-disgust in my physicality.

Such serosorting, HIV segregation, or AIDS apartheid can actually place an HIV- in more danger of contracting HIV through infrequent HIV testing, lack of HIV status disclosure, and the continued perception they are HIV-.  One in 5 gay guys with HIV don’t even know they have HIV.  The culture of segregation and silence perpetuates a horrific catch-22 of HIV infections.  I have heard too often a horny gay boy trust another person’s word when it comes to HIV disclosure.  Believing you are HIV- is NOT the same as actually being HIV-.   I have personally been in situations (years ago when I was still single) where a guy was more than willing to sleep with me, without HIV ever entering the conversation until I brought it up by disclosing.  I always wonder how often this happens, where someone who assumes himself to be HIV- tells their sex partner they are negative and then they have unsafe sex.  Then I wonder if and when that other person contacts HIV if they think back to that unsafe encounter...or do they overlook the encounter because the other guy told him he was negative?  

Serosorting that results in seroguessing is not a safety behavior, it is a grenade waiting to explode...and the explosion of increasing HIV infections among gay men is the result of such silence and guesswork.  This stigma and fear of the negative consequences of an HIV+ diagnosis directly result in avoidance of HIV testing and counseling.  It appears as though many gay guys subscribe to the ignorance-is-bliss philosophy, and to hell with the consequences.  My personal experience in trying to educate gay men about HIV resulted in resounding silence.  Nobody wants to talk about it.  Gay guys become offended if you bring it up, believing you are accusing them of being a slut or drug addict or both, the whole time they themselves are more than likely not practicing safe sex each and every time.  To many of the head-in-the-sand gays, they are not at risk from getting HIV from their unsafe sex.  HIV is what happens to other people.  Until it happens to them.