Angst


I have had a lot of feelings pop up lately about a variety of things.  I am going through a time of many changes and I think they are all starting to get to me.  School begins again soon; I am leaving the job I have had for years because I am no longer valuable to them.  I am starting a new job and with that comes a certain amount of anxiety, especially since it is in a completely different field of work than what I have done for the last decade or so.  I will be making less money but I will have greater flexibility and less stress so that is a good trade-off.  

 Mostly what I am feeling is fear and worthlessness. And anger. Anger at homophobia, anger at racism, anger at injustice, anger at the president. I fear what the future will hold for all of us, both in the short-term and in the long-term.

Every day at work I feel on display, I feel judged and hated and it wears on me. It is an environment where crass white heteronormative values are held up on a pedestal and everyone else is viewed and treated like shit. It is all so subversive and covert and hard to document or point at, but it is most definitely not something imagined. It is frustrating and the daily experience feels so futile. So it is good that I am leaving.

I wonder what it is about me that rubs people the wrong way. What is it about me that turns people off? But then I think about all the people that truly care about me and truly like me for me and I realize that maybe the problem is with the haters? You can't please everyone. When the reality hits me that there are people that hate me...it knocks me down a bit. I guess that is what constant, daily homophobia feels like...an erosion of the soul, the erosion of self-worth. Sometimes a small voice pops up in my head that say "maybe they are right, maybe I am as awful as they treat me". Maybe I deserve it,". It gives me emotional whiplash to say the least.

Intellectually I know that I am an OK person. I am not the best, most amazing person ever. I am actually a very nice and trusting person, but I feel like my experiences have created this wall that keeps me on guard all the time. I feel on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is an awful state to be in. It is exhausting on an existential level. It is hard to keep convincing myself that I am not the evil homosexual that they all think me to be. It is hard to convince myself that I am stronger than them. It is hard not to wonder if maybe I am an awful person or that maybe I should learn to kiss ass, kiss their ring, or bow down a bit. But I have never been a submissive person so to even entertain such things is ludicrous.

I wish I didn't let other people's opinions about me affect me so much. I wish I could easily brush off the negative feelings. I wish I didn't care about any of it. But I do. At least for now I do anyway. I am fairly certain that a good night's sleep will make me feel better.






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