Thinking about Dying


So I have been thinking a lot lately about mortality, death, and what my death will be like.  Maybe it is a mid-life crisis, maybe it is because Mom will have been dead for 3 years come this Thursday.  Maybe it is because I see the cardiologist on that same mom-death-day, to explore an issue that has cropped up.  Maybe it is because it was an arrhythmia that began my mom's decline towards death all of those years ago.  Maybe it is because my biological father has had a heart attack awhile back.  I don't know what has caused this rumination that I find myself mired in.  

Or is it maybe the situation we find ourselves in, with the country flipping a finger off to it's citizens when it comes to the future of healthcare.  The future seems uncertain on so many levels.

I thought it was bad enough when I was diagnosed with HIV.  I thought HIV would be insurmountable and difficult.  When my diagnosis of HIV happened, I remember it being inconceivable that I could ever go on.  I was certain that my life would end on so many levels.  I thought nobody would ever love me again.  I thought I was worthless.  I thought I was stupid.  I thought I was irresponsible and that perhaps I deserved HIV as a penance for having been a meth addict.

But I overcame those thoughts and feelings.  I became whole-ish again.  I eventually began to see my HIV status as just another part of me, a part that was manageable and nothing more than a chronic health condition, much like diabetes or arthritis.  I was able to find life again.

I was able to become more focused and actually thrive because I had HIV, not in spite of it.

But once again I find myself in a similar defeatist position, this time in regards to my heart.  By default I operate in a range of pessimism so of course I am thinking the worst.  I think a part of me does this as a defense mechanism; if I think the worst at least I am mentally and emotionally prepared, or, if the worst does not come to pass then I can be elated in having dodged a bullet.

Anyway, I am preparing for the worst because genetics and lifestyle have stacked the cards against me.  The HIV meds have caused my triglycerides to rise, and my cholesterol to become less-than-ideal.  On top of that I tend to eat bad food and abhor exercise.  So...poor lifestyle + bad genes mean I should probably prepare for the worst.  Even as I am typing this my chest hurts.  Even as I am typing this my cardiologist called to remind me of my appointment in two days.

I am scared.  I wonder what comes next.  I wonder if it will be catastrophic.  I wonder if it will be manageable.  I wonder if whatever is happening is reversible.  I wonder how much time I will have left.  I have these nightmare visions of being whisked away into surgery, alone in the hospital with nobody around me.  I worry that my congenital and anatomical oddities will make surgery more difficult.  I already have situs inversus with dextrocardia, so will they even be able to treat me and heal me?   I just wish Thursday would hurry up and get here so I can know one way or the other.

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