Sickness


It has been almost 2 weeks since this sickness began and I am still not at 100%.  Isn't it funny how sickness or illness happens in the most inopportune time?  For me, this illness has been a huge setback, both for school and in life.  I have had to take time to rest, in an attempt to hasten recovery.

And yet it seems recovery is not happening quickly enough.  I feel like everyone expects me to brush it all off, to jump back into being the same old me, and that is not happening.  I have not been this sick in years.  It has fundamentally changed me.  I feel closer to my mortality, closer to death, than I have ever felt.  Maybe I am a crappy sick person.  Maybe I am a pessimist.  Maybe I am just weak from it all and everything looks like doom and gloom.

All I know for sure is that I am exhausted and afraid.  I am afraid of falling behind in school, with only a few more weeks left of the semester.  I am afraid of getting in trouble at work.  I am afraid of never feeling better again.  I am incredulous that one can feel so bad for so long and yet still be cursed with life.  I am depressed and it shows.  I have lost 10 pounds through all of this; it feels like some vital part of me has died.  I just want to feel better.  I want to stop coughing.  I want to get an appetite back.  I want to not feel sick everytime I eat.  I want to feel the drive to get out of bed and live.

I think this is the worst part of having HIV: the impact of illness hits me harder than it did before.  Sickness lasts longer than I feel like it should.  I feel like it is an awful cycle of getting sick, then getting better, being well for a little while, and then BOOM, something else hits me and it starts all over again.  Hmmm, I think exhaustion may be the root cause.  I am so tired, the most tired I have been in a very long time.  It feels like a triumph to get up in the morning, take a shower, get dressed, and get out the door.  Such mundane things are triumphs for me, whereas it is just the every day for everyone else.

And I am not sure how to fix it all.  Eat more, sleep more, what??  I don't know.  I just feel like nothing I do is good enough.  I don't feel like enough.

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