HIV Sucks Sometimes, But I Got Panties for Christmas Today!


For me, one of the worst things about living with HIV is the constant feeling of not feeling well.  I know all of the advertisements for HIV medications show people hiking up mountains, running marathons, or performing in theater productions, but...that is not my experience at all.  It is a rare time period in which I feel 100%.  Most days, like today, involve me coming down with some cold or ailment or recovering from a cold or ailment.

Or at least that has been how I have felt since I have been out of school the last couple of weeks.  Since school ended 2 weeks ago I swear I have had a sore throat, awful arthritic inflammation, systemic soreness and pain, and a general feeling of malaise.  The pain gets worse every day and I see my primary care doctor in two weeks to find out why.  The only thing I can attribute it to is having too much time on my hands to dwell on how I feel.  You see, when I was in school full-time and working full time I was simply too busy to feel bad.  I tended to "schedule" my sick time or I rationalized my way around it.  For example, say I had homework or a paper due or a test to study for...I rationalized to myself I could read in bed and in doing so rested simultaneously.  It was a system that worked well for me.  "Just push yourself two more days, and on Sunday you can truly rest," I would tell myself.  And it worked.

Now that I have more time on my hands and a slower brain I am dwelling on how awful I feel, which sucks.  I guess it does not help that Winter is the season of illness in general.  It seems that everyone at work is sick, and yet we all come to work anyway because it is the end of the year and we are all out of vacation time to use.  It has made me think again about applying for FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act).  But I keep telling myself the not-feeling-well is temporary in nature and in a couple of weeks I will be back in school again.  Then I will be better able to compartmentalize my life again.  Life is easier when things are in neat little boxes: "time to sleep", "time to study", "time to work", "time to do 'fun' reading".

HIV is manageable, but the key is to manage it.  You can't let HIV tell you the extent of your limitations.

For me it is crucial to keep HIV in perspective and in it's place.  I learned very early on how to do that, though sometimes...like today, for example, it is harder to remember that.  If I had a dollar for every time I thought about stopping my treatment I would be able to buy myself a cure.  Instead, I take my meds every day (well...most days, ugh) and I remind myself that I can't meet my goals if I die, which tends to motivate me to move past the bad parts.  I have things I want to do, things I need to do.  Things that require a degree.  And I can't earn my degree unless I get up and put my pants on everyday.  Well, I keep telling myself these things and I try to believe it; all you have at the end of the day is that, eventually, things will get better.

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