A Pointless, Rambling Blog Post

I have been thinking alot about my mom lately. In 24 days it will have been two years since she died. I have been crying a little today. I still try to stop myself when that happens. I try to bury my feelings, because if I let myself feel things then I will be buried. Almost two years later and it feels I am still in the denial stage of grief. I flip back and forth between denial and anger. I think about how chaotic those last two weeks of her life were and how unnecessary it all was and I get so angry. I think about her life in that last year of her life and I get angry, at myself and everyone else. I don’t think I will ever get past this nor do I think it is something to really something to get past anyway. At least if I am angry I am feeling an emotion. That is what I have been telling myself anyway. I still do not know how to process all of these feelings. I know exactly how Dorothy must have felt in the middle of that tornado. That is how my emotions are.

I am thankful I didn’t return to drinking or meth to bury it all. If nothing else mom’s death has made me more determined to make her proud and to move forward with my dreams. I don’t think I would have had the gumption to go back to school before. But life is short, it is oh so short, so if not now, then when? It is time. That is also an advantage to being 41 - it becomes easier to live for yourself and to set boundaries and to be ok with that. I think often when we are younger we guilt ourselves out of living fully. Being there for yourself seems selfish, or at least it always did for me. For years I was involved with someone for whom I changed my whole life in order to be with. I did it for myself too, sure, because I was in love, but I buried so much of myself in order to fit some idealized version of love. The more I buried, the more resentment built up. Now at age 41 I find it a bit easier to know what I want and how to be authentic about going after it. Sometimes I do that to a fault! I have a very stubborn streak. It is my way or else. And I know that is not a “good” way to be. But I am human and thus not perfect, so that I how I am.

I don’t even know where I am going with this. I sat down to write because I felt like something was pent up inside of me. I am still not sure what “it” is. I am probably not even making much sense. Am I feeling regret? Sadness? Anger? I think it is all of those things. I am probably just irritable because it is Sunday night and I have to go to work tomorrow, haha. How funny...as I am writing this the song “Through The Rain” by Mariah Carey is playing. I guess that is a fitting song for this rambling post. These feelings are temporary. They will fade and some other emotion will fill their place. I will get through anything, as unpleasant as that can sometimes be.