Why Do I Chase LOVE??


One of the most annoying things that I do is to chase love. I am not sure if it is because I am too type-A to allow love to chase me for a change, or that I am too insecure, that if I do not chase down and corner love then I will never experience it.

I am sure this not a healthy outlook. Intellectually I know that chasing someone or putting them into a position of feeling as though they have to be interested in me by default is not a good way to find what I am looking for. I wish I could be more relaxed, to let the universe gently guide love to me, so that it settles on me like the first snowflakes of winter. I wish I could be laid back enough to let karma and fate meander it's way to the foregone way of how things will be. More so, I wish I could feel as though I was a worthy person without the validation of external love. Years ago there was a book about "finding the boyfriend within" which aimed to make gay men feel good enough and worthy enough, even as a single person.

But the thought of being single scares me! Being HIV positive is scary enough, let alone doing it without someone to be there for you. But...then again, You-Know-Who has never ever been there for me when it comes to my HIV. He has never understood it and has never believed in the impact it has on me; thus, no support from him. Such is the dangers of dating or being involved with an HIV-negative person I guess, at least one who lacks empathy anyway.

However, there comes a time where being involved with the wrong person is more of a danger than facing the uncertainties of being alone, and that is where I am at. My life has ceased to grow. I have ceased to live and feel good things and I have become deaf to the world around me, having cocooned myself into grade-A hermit status. So, my fear of how my life as a single person will be has caused me to reflexively reach out and snatch love from whomever I come across, and that is chaos in itself. Not to mention unfair to me and whoever else.

I would be no good to anyone else until I learn how to be single and figure out who I am outside of the needs and demands of another person. It is imperative that I learn how to be strong again, that I learn how to feel joy again, on my own. I must cease this chasing, this grabbing, this yearning fueled by fear.


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