A Book about Serodiscordant Love

I relaxed a lot today.  Spent a lot of time reading an amazing book: Just Between Us by J.H. Trumble.  It is definitely a book that I will be pondering for awhile.  It's a book about being diagnosed with HIV at the very start of a new but powerful relationship and the hurdles that occur. 

Pure love...it's something I have kind of lost hope in.  I haven't felt feelings for someone in sooo very long.  Isn't it crazy that sometimes the people you end up with are not the ones you love?  What is it that brings people together, if not love? Is it the idea of love, security, financial safety?  I'm so unhappy in my relationship and in my life in general.  I'm having a very hard time trying to figure out if my relationship dissatisfaction is causing my general apathy or if these are two distinct and separate sadnesses.  Or how much of it is grief.  Feelings and emotions are so messy, tumultuous, and grey.  I'm beginning to think there is no simple answer, no one answer, nor one clear answer to sum up my depression.  I just know I'm drowning and I need a lifeboat or a life jacket.  I need to make changes but  so unsure and so scared. I feel like a spark plug whose gapping is all wrong so I'm misfiring all over the place.  I need a good mechanic to tune up my heart and soul, a doctor to heal me.

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