Burnout

Today was a very trying day, as most days are at work.  We got called into a meeting to get scolded for having posted a joke about work on Facebook.  It was silly, and even more silly that work became offended.  So many people live in the past when it comes to integrating work like and non-work life.

But truly, the crux of the problem is that I am burnt out.  I am burnt out from being in a cubicle farm, of being a “no man” in a “yes man” world.  I chafe at authority because I do not believe in the concept of anyone having authority over me.  I am rubbed the wrong way when anyone thinks they can tell me how to think or behave or be.  Especially when their dislike of me/my actions/my “attitude” is peppered and flavored with subtle homophobia.  

The sad truth is that in the South you are considered a freak and an outsider if you are anything other than a white middle aged heteresexual conservative woman.  Men are outsiders.  Non-whites are outsiders.  Gays are outsiders.  Young people are outsiders.  And by being outsiders we are feared or hated, which causes the Establishment to view you as very “less than”.  

People in positions of authority abuse their positions by insisting they somehow are above you, much like a perversion of the caste system.  For example, if someone says “Good Morning!” to you in the hallway, one should say “Good Morning!” back to you, even if you are a gay man, a janitor, a homeless person, etc.   One should not look at you like you are poop on the bottom on their shoe, as often happens where I work.  My new coping mechanism is to totally and completely shut out those people.  I ignore them in the hallways, at the printer, at the fax machines.  Instead of making myself feel awkward by trying to engage such people, I just stare straight ahead and ignore them, letting them feel awkward for a change.  For me, work has ceased to be anything other than a place to go to earn a paycheck.  It is not a friendly place to engage with others or to learn or grow or advance.  

Now all I have to do is figure out what I want my next chapter to be.  I have no illusions of thinking I will be at my current job forever or for the long term.  I feel as though I need time and space and peace to dig deep and think hard to figure out what will fulfill me.  I know I need to get out of a cubicle.  Tan colored half-walls and bright fluorescent lighting does nobody any good at all.