Epiphany

Nobody ever knows they are in an abusive relationship until they are in the very thick of it.   Like a sledgehammer,  realization hit me yesterday,  when I was watching something on TV.   I was watching 20/20;  there was a story about a brilliant hand surgeon in Texas,  who was a monster behind closed doors.   Nobody believed he was a monster, and yet he was a sadistic repeat offender. 

But...nobody wants to believe they have ended up in such a preposterous situation.   I am smart,  intelligent...I see things for how they truly are,  or at least that's what I used to believe about myself.   Now,  I don't even know what is real anymore.   There is so much mistrust and acrimony between us,  it's hard to see the forest for the hundreds of petty trees in the way.   Every day is a study in pettiness.  Everyday is the game we play,  trying to pretend one of us doesn't know what the other one is up to.  

I spend money to try to fill a hole inside of me.  I figure that by obtaining the material,  I can somehow forgive myself for wanting to forget our reality.   Yet,  each time I spend money,  it keeps me a bit more trapped in this situation.   If I won the lottery tomorrow,  the very first thing I would do is leave and never look back.   I haven't yet figured out how to reconcile my standard of living I have now with the reality I would have to do without should I leave.   If I leave,  I will have to be poor again.   Being young and poor has a certain nobility to it;  being 38 and poor again equals failure.  

Every day a piece of me dies a little more.  

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