Feeling Disconnected
Sometimes I wake up at night and I do not know who I am or where I am. A feeling of panic comes over me, I feel so lost, adrift. This feeling and this blankness of mind lasts for 5 or 10 seconds, long enough for myself to become worried. Then, like a slow, faulty breaker switch, something flips inside and I slowly start to come back to myself.
It is not a very good feeling, but at least it passes.
But...sometimes I feel something like that in the daytime. Sometimes I wonder how I got to where I am, how I got to this point. I forget all of the good things in life and become depressed. I see my failing relationship in stark counterpoint to the happiness I used to feel. And then that triggers a tsunami of regret that washes over me, for having made yet one more bad decision in my life.
I sometimes think I stumble blindly through life, barely grabbing on and hanging on to something before I lose my footing and stumble again into the next situation. All I want is for everything to stop, just for a moment. I want it all to stop long enough for me to catch my breath and catch my footing again. I feel like I am trying to cross a frozen sea, with visibility that does not extend far enough for me to make good decisions.
I want to return to the person I was before I was on drugs, yet after I ended my relationship with John. I was so innocent then, still. I didn't allow demons into my life at that point. I was doe-eyed, happy, with hope overflowing. I had a good life, not a perfect life, but a good life. I had friends who cared about me, whom I saw daily. I lived on my own, beholden to no one. I owned me, I was my own person.
I am so unhappy, and yet I feel so stuck.
Leaving this failed relationship would be to admit defeat, again. It will mean another mistake, another bad choice, another bad outcome. I can understand how a battered woman must feel like. He doesn't hit me with his hands, but he might as well for the damage he inflicts on me every time he opens his mouth. I just don't understand how it is that the two LTRs in my life have been with controlling men. I myself am very outgoing and strong-willed and yet...I shack up with domineering men. I just don't understand it.
I know that I have to make a change, or I will end up dead. Now I just need to find the will do it and then follow through. It's like trying to sprint through molasses.
It is not a very good feeling, but at least it passes.
But...sometimes I feel something like that in the daytime. Sometimes I wonder how I got to where I am, how I got to this point. I forget all of the good things in life and become depressed. I see my failing relationship in stark counterpoint to the happiness I used to feel. And then that triggers a tsunami of regret that washes over me, for having made yet one more bad decision in my life.
I sometimes think I stumble blindly through life, barely grabbing on and hanging on to something before I lose my footing and stumble again into the next situation. All I want is for everything to stop, just for a moment. I want it all to stop long enough for me to catch my breath and catch my footing again. I feel like I am trying to cross a frozen sea, with visibility that does not extend far enough for me to make good decisions.
I want to return to the person I was before I was on drugs, yet after I ended my relationship with John. I was so innocent then, still. I didn't allow demons into my life at that point. I was doe-eyed, happy, with hope overflowing. I had a good life, not a perfect life, but a good life. I had friends who cared about me, whom I saw daily. I lived on my own, beholden to no one. I owned me, I was my own person.
I am so unhappy, and yet I feel so stuck.
Leaving this failed relationship would be to admit defeat, again. It will mean another mistake, another bad choice, another bad outcome. I can understand how a battered woman must feel like. He doesn't hit me with his hands, but he might as well for the damage he inflicts on me every time he opens his mouth. I just don't understand how it is that the two LTRs in my life have been with controlling men. I myself am very outgoing and strong-willed and yet...I shack up with domineering men. I just don't understand it.
I know that I have to make a change, or I will end up dead. Now I just need to find the will do it and then follow through. It's like trying to sprint through molasses.
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