I am a Desperate Housewife
It has came to my attention, though it should not have surprised me, that my depression is taking it’s toll on my relationship. I have been told that I am unaffectionate, that all I ever want to do is stay in bed to read and sleep. I have been told that I never want to do anything around the house, as far as chores go. I have been told I have let myself go. I have been told that I am defensive and always in a foul mood.
I guess for the most part, a lot of that is true. Though I do not want to hide behind my depression and use it as a shield or excuse, there are consequences to being depressed that affect more than just the depressed person.
When I visualize the effect of my depression, I see a bulls eye...with my at the center glowing red and the degree of how much my depression affects others depends on how close one is to the bulls eye. The closer to the bullseye then the more immediate and impactful my depression is on you. The further away from the center a person/group is to me, the less effect. Or, one can imagine throwing a stone into water; the further out the ripple, the lesser the effect.
I guess my blinders have been such that I assumed that once I fixed me, then everything else in life would fall into place. I am not sure or usure if that is even a valid assumption. I know everything in life is interdependent and there is no such thing as anything existing in a vacuum.
Yet I was at least hoping that I would have more time and space to be able to fix myself. I do not think I have the mental or emotional energy to juggle so many spheres of trouble at one time. I am simply not that coordinated.
My partner, like many people I am sure, thinks it is all in my head, that I have no reason to be depressed and that I should just get over it. In the age of Google and modern psychiatry I guess such an erroneous thought is shocking to me. We always see or hear that it’s OK to get help for depression or mental illness, yet...there is always those people who have such an old way of thinking about it, and that is frustrating and disappointing.
I can’t help but wonder what else remains unsaid. My partner, who is HIV negative, and I NEVER talk about HIV. We do not utter hardly a single word about it. When I try to talk about it, such as when I debating switching to a one-a-day drug regimen, he justs glazes over and disengages. When I suggest he get an HIV test, he ignores me. HIV might as well be named Voldemort, i.e. “that which shall not be named”.
With so much left unsaid, it’s as if from the outside our relationship appears to be a pond, but underneath there are waterfalls, rapids, and turbulence. Appearances can be so deceiving. I know exactly how those women on Wisteria Lane must have felt. I completely understand how Bree felt when she was an active and recovering alcoholic, always making sure appearances were kept. I know exactly how Tom felt when Lynette nagged him all the time. I know how Lynette must have felt when Tom saw in others what he wished he still saw in his wife. At least all of their issues got ties up at the end of the season.
I guess for the most part, a lot of that is true. Though I do not want to hide behind my depression and use it as a shield or excuse, there are consequences to being depressed that affect more than just the depressed person.
When I visualize the effect of my depression, I see a bulls eye...with my at the center glowing red and the degree of how much my depression affects others depends on how close one is to the bulls eye. The closer to the bullseye then the more immediate and impactful my depression is on you. The further away from the center a person/group is to me, the less effect. Or, one can imagine throwing a stone into water; the further out the ripple, the lesser the effect.
I guess my blinders have been such that I assumed that once I fixed me, then everything else in life would fall into place. I am not sure or usure if that is even a valid assumption. I know everything in life is interdependent and there is no such thing as anything existing in a vacuum.
Yet I was at least hoping that I would have more time and space to be able to fix myself. I do not think I have the mental or emotional energy to juggle so many spheres of trouble at one time. I am simply not that coordinated.
My partner, like many people I am sure, thinks it is all in my head, that I have no reason to be depressed and that I should just get over it. In the age of Google and modern psychiatry I guess such an erroneous thought is shocking to me. We always see or hear that it’s OK to get help for depression or mental illness, yet...there is always those people who have such an old way of thinking about it, and that is frustrating and disappointing.
I can’t help but wonder what else remains unsaid. My partner, who is HIV negative, and I NEVER talk about HIV. We do not utter hardly a single word about it. When I try to talk about it, such as when I debating switching to a one-a-day drug regimen, he justs glazes over and disengages. When I suggest he get an HIV test, he ignores me. HIV might as well be named Voldemort, i.e. “that which shall not be named”.
With so much left unsaid, it’s as if from the outside our relationship appears to be a pond, but underneath there are waterfalls, rapids, and turbulence. Appearances can be so deceiving. I know exactly how those women on Wisteria Lane must have felt. I completely understand how Bree felt when she was an active and recovering alcoholic, always making sure appearances were kept. I know exactly how Tom felt when Lynette nagged him all the time. I know how Lynette must have felt when Tom saw in others what he wished he still saw in his wife. At least all of their issues got ties up at the end of the season.
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