Fighting Stigma?

So, something happened to me at work this week that I am not terribly proud of.  This one girl at work had came up to me and engaged in conversation.  I won’t go into the boring details of office gossip.  However, at the tail end of our conversation she tells me, and I quote...

“Hey, you know that adult bookstore up there off the interstate?” she says in her best country twang, “make sure you don’t ever go there because I know somebody who knows somebody who got AIDS there!!”

My only response that I could muster was that I would never go into such a place to begin with, I wasn’t that kind of person.  She then playfully calls me a prude, laughs, and then leaves my office.

Now, no one at work, except for one person whom I trust dearly, knows I have HIV.  I am sure that girl was in her own way trying to tell me to be safe, though in a backhanded, uneducated way.  I was offended that she thought I would go to such an establishment, and taken aback that she believed it the PLACE that “gave” the person AIDS.  

So many things were wrong with what she said, but did I correct her?  Did I open my mouth and educate her?  Did I point out the fallacies with which she viewed gay men and HIV?

Nope.  I didn’t say anything enlightening.  I simply reacted defensively and personally, saying only what I needed to paint my own self in a better light.

I am ashamed that I didn’t say all the things that needed to be said.  I am ashamed that a PERFECT opportunity arose in which to enlighten and educate came and went and I just stared at it with my mouth open.

I do not think HIV stigma will ever be fully erased by any marketing or ad campaign.  I don’t think public service announcements with Jennifer Aniston or Lady Gaga or Elton John will ever fully penetrate the minds and hearts of some people.  I believe HIV stigma is a wall to be chiseled away at, slowly and surely, one tiny piece at a time, much like how the Berlin Wall came down.  

I had my chisel raised, I had all the right words, but fear kept me silent.  Fear kept me from using this opportunity for good.  Instead, fear drove my silence right back into my second closet.  I feared that if I told her what needed to be said, she would go run and whisper to everyone that I supported HIV and therefore must have HIV and therefore lets go tell management and HR to fire me.  

Fear of getting fired is what silenced me.  When I was first diagnosed with HIV, it was fear and stigma that caused me to be fired when I was open and honest with my HIV diagnosis.  Inside me, I still fear the same exact thing happening.  

Am I being rational and pragmatic or irrational and closeted?