Opening Yourself Up

Opening Yourself Up by Jason McDonald

                I don’t believe there is a greater sign of trust than when you tell someone you have HIV.  Stigma still runs rampant, especially within the gay community, especially in the workplace.  Stigma exists wherever there is ignorance and apathy.

                When I worked for the corporate office of a worldwide hotel chain (one who is known by a big red M), I was newly diagnosed with HIV and naïve about what that meant.  I was treading new waters and learning as I went along.  In my ignorance, I believed in all the rainbows and lollipop idealism that people mostly had your best interests at heart.  I felt like I was the same person and so therefore I never once fathomed my diagnosis would make someone uncomfortable.

                My education into stigma and discrimination began as a function of current HIV laws.  Currently, when someone is diagnosed with HIV it is mandatory that you meet with the local health department and give them names of who you have slept with (or shared needles with) so that the health department can then notify those people that they have been exposed to HIV and need to get tested. 

                In my case I had only slept with one person in the previous year since my last HIV negative test result.  So, thankfully the health department had to tell only one person.  (He tested negative by the way.)  This particular person was best friends with someone I worked with, which is how he and I met in the first place.  We had recently broken up, just prior to my diagnosis, for reasons other than HIV.  Our breakup was not an amicable one.  The health department contacted him, and I too emailed him to let him know about my diagnosis.  To say he freaked out and was angry was an understatement…nevermind that it takes two people to have sex, so in my view he bore exactly 50% of any risk. 

                Needless to say, it was not even 24 hours before word got out at the big red M that I had HIV.  At the time I believed honesty was the best policy.  When the two or three people asked me if it was true, I told them that it was.  I was at least mindful enough to ask these few people to keep it to themselves, but of course that did not happen.  I became the pariah of the office; the HR director actually told me he had the safety of the other employees to consider.  He actually asked me to get a letter from my doctor saying that it was safe for me to be around other coworkers.  This was 2007 – NOT 1987. 

                Over the next couple of months, my supervisor seemed to find several subjective reasons why I was not performing at my job as she felt I should.  One time I got written up for using the company phone for making a 4-minute call to my mom who was in the hospital.  Another time I was written up because I took too long going to the bathroom and that I went to the bathroom too often.  After the 3^rd write-up, the day before my one-year anniversary with the company (and thus eligible for FMLA) I was fired.  

                I filed a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and I won the right to sue them.  But, this was before I was on meds and I was emotionally and physically fatigued and just didn’t want to deal with the situation anymore. 

                I learned a hard but valuable lesson – do not disclose your HIV to people at work.  I lived by that for many years.  I felt like my experience with the big red M was indicative of how not to disclose.  I allowed that employer to shame me and my HIV.  I allowed them to silence me for years out of the mistaken belief that my HIV was a dirty little secret.  I believed that I should shut up and fly right. 

 But recently, a new viewpoint has emerged in me.  By allowing myself to remain silent, I implicitly agreed that HIV was something to be ashamed of.  By going along and toeing the line I allowed myself to be no better than those who discriminated against me.  Now, I am open about my HIV up to a point.  No, I do not shout it from the rooftops, nor do I even bring it up at all.  But, if the topic was to come up, then I do disclose, I do tell, if in telling I am able to educate and dispel myths. 

Thus far, no one has ever asked me point blank at work if I have HIV.  There have been some nosey people who ask me about the meds I am on, when one day I was talking about adjusting to a new med.  I didn’t disclose then because they were just being nosey.  I didn’t feel like that was the right situation; the flow of the conversation wasn’t conducive to disclosure.  But if ever someone was to say something derogatory or wrong about HIV, I would proudly disclose, as well as call them on it.  Silence equals death.  Silence equals complicity. 

Never allow yourself to be silenced. 

Believing you are HIV negative is NOT the same as KNOWING you are HIV negative.  Get tested!!  Follow me on Twitter @jjemcdonald.