Christmas Blahs

So it is with a bit of sadness that I enter the tail end of this holiday season.  I just began antidepressant medications as well as cognitive therapy, but I have only just begun down that road.  

I received a “Poor” rating on my annual review, so I am still trying to digest that.  The feeling I have now is almost like the feelings I had when I was first diagnosed with HIV.   As such, identifying this new challenge and marrying it to a trauma in my past is somehow magnifying my negative feelings.  

The feelings of sadness and depression.  The directionless.  The confusion about how to make things better for myself while maintaining my dignity.  

I have never, ever been a kiss-ass kind of person and I believe that has gotten me in trouble more than once.  I literally, physically can not bring myself to do or say those things needed to kiss-ass and get ahead.  I deeply dislike those that play the kiss-ass game.  Thus, my failure to play the office politic game comes at a cost to me.  

An egotistical part of me believes that my bosses are threatened by me; threatened by how nice and friendly I am to others, threatened by how up-front and honest I am when expressing truth to power.

Napoleon would have cut off your head if you spoke truth to power.  Oprah would respect you.  But in today’s office environment all truth to power gets you are snide remarks, dings against your integrity, and looks as if you are the dog poo on the bottom of someone’s shoe.  Not to mention massive points off of your performance review.  

Even though I have only been to my therapist once so far, I did learn my character can never be defined by someone’s warped, biased view of me.  Especially from a boss who truly dislikes you.  Besides, work is only one facet of life.  It is a job.  It is a place I go to work to the best of my abilities and hope for the best.

Part of me once to advise the company of my HIV.  We received  a new employee handbook yesterday and it said we must report all communicable diseases that I have.  I am pretty sure I checked the box for HIV when I was hired.  But I can’t remember with certainty.  But when I question my motives, my drive to disclose my HIV is selfish rather than empowering.  I want to use it as a roadblock, to serve them notice that if they mess with me then I will sue the hell out of them.  But I can not allow myself to use HIV as a weapon anymore than I wish to be criminalized for my HIV.  

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