Ramblings of An Aging Gay Guy

I miss you like crazy. It still blows my mind and breaks me into so many small pieces knowing you are gone. I have tried to talk to you but nothing comes out. It feels like a poor facsimile of communication to try and have a one-sided conversation with you. I know people always tell me to talk to you and that you will hear me, but it's just not the same. For so many years , you were the only thing that kept me going, that kept me putting one foot in front of the other. So many times over the years I wanted to give up: because of my heart breaking when I left John, because of my meth addiction, because of my HIV diagnosis...so many times I thought it was the end of me and you always showed me and convinced me I had so much to live for. I believed you. I shook off all the self-pity and kept going. I do not think I can shake this off. Losing you is more than I can bear. It feels like a tsunami has overwhelmed me and I am drowning. I try to get back into my life and...

Triumphs II by Karl William Lund

http://soundcloud.com/karlwilliamlund/spread-your-wings

I relaxed a lot today.  Spent a lot of time reading an amazing book: Just Between Us by J.H. Trumble.  It is definitely a book that I will be pondering for awhile.  It's a book about being diagnosed with HIV at the very start of a new but powerful relationship and the hurdles that occur.  Pure love...it's something I have kind of lost hope in.  I haven't felt feelings for someone in sooo very long.  Isn't it crazy that sometimes the people you end up with are not the ones you love?  What is it that brings people together, if not love? Is it the idea of love, security, financial safety?  I'm so unhappy in my relationship and in my life in general.  I'm having a very hard time trying to figure out if my relationship dissatisfaction is causing my general apathy or if these are two distinct and separate sadnesses.  Or how much of it is grief.  Feelings and emotions are so messy, tumultuous, and grey.  I'm beginning to think there ...

Unsure/Positive is an independently produced dramedy whose goal is "to raise awareness about life with HIV.  In an age of mobile devices, hookup culture, antiretroviral treatments, and the ongoing stigma that resonates with our own societal fears, our series offers a healthy dose of reality, honesty, and humor.” Please take a look at their webpage, and donate if you can.  This is a groundbreaking show, as nothing like this has been created since the epidemic began.  

Do you ever want to just turn around and walk away from your life, just walk away from every everything?  That is how I feel...unanchored, unmoored, drifting inside.  My tolerance for crap is very low today. 

Yesterday I buried my mother.  Today it is hitting me.  Every moment is a confused mess of questions, all of them starting with “why”.  Why are you gone?  Why did this happen?  Why didn’t we do enough to save you?   Or “how”...How can I live without you?  How will I get through this?  How did this happen?  How is it possible you are not here anymore?  How can I ever be happy or feel secure again if you are not in my life? None of these questions really capture how I feel.  I feel so lost, so broken, so insubstantial.  I am in a fog and I do not know what direction is which.  I walk into rooms and forget why, I get out of the shower and realize I have forgotten to rinse shampoo and soap off of me.  I keep picking up the phone to call my mom and catch myself and that feels like ripping a band-aid off very slowly from a wound that won’t ever heal. I do not know if I will ever get through this or over this. ...